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You are here: Home / Blog / Marriage Mom: The “F” Bomb

Marriage Mom: The “F” Bomb

April 14, 2014 By Erin Tarr

How does the Marriage Mom's husband react to her dropping the F-bomb on him after 11 years of marriage?  Photo Provided
How does the Marriage Mom’s husband react to her dropping the F-bomb on him after 11 years of marriage?
Photo Provided

My husband and I have known one another for over 16 years now and yet – it was just this last week that I first dropped the “F” bomb on him. I honestly hadn’t really considered it much – in relation to myself – until recent years. And I only became aware in light of raising daughters. I waited for the right time (date night) and had relevant context (a facebook post) and then I confessed…

“Adam, you married a feminist.” I bit my lip and waited for a response…

You might ask why it had taken us so long to discuss the “f” word (feminism), and I would tell you it was due to a combination of factors including:

A) the (wrong) perception of angry militant feminists as portrayed in the media

B) the fact that I had never considered myself one  until recently (see above)

C) I thought he might freak out – once I decided I was one… so I kept it to myself, leaving subtle clues on social media

He paused… “When did you know?” “Are you sure?” “Do you think you will change your mind?” … may or may not be some of the responses he had.  J/K

He had known for a while and (I’m sure) was somewhat relieved that I had finally brought it out in the open for discussion.

By the end of it all, I ended up labeling him a feminist too since his rhetoric imply that he agrees all people should have equal rights… as does the rhetoric of MOST people I know.

That being said… rhetoric, internal thoughts, and external behavior are often quite different. This specific discussion arose from a mutual friend sharing a negative portrayal of the WNBA on social media… a seemingly harmless post in many people’s opinions… HOWEVER, I argued with my husband (in a polite and respectful way over a tray of nachos), the degradation of the WNBA as an organization (IMO) undermines the hopes, dreams and ultimately future of women (our children included) everywhere.

I really didn’t want to get into a debate with him about the merits or demerits of the WNBA specifically, but I wanted to point out how subtly our culture is able to make peace with the belittlement of women, so the F word had to be brought up. He felt I was traveling from A to Z pretty quickly, ascribing causation where it maybe shouldn’t exist… but we both contributed thoughtfully and critically to the conversation, seeking common ground and mutual understanding.

I will say it was a peaceful discussion. I will also say we don’t necessarily agree 100% on what the F word means or the length to which we extrapolate the implications of “jokes” etc. in light of this word.

Bottom line: Since we are raising two daughters together – this isn’t the end of the conversation.

Are there political, social, religious or family issues that you and your spouse don’t see eye-to-eye on, but manage to keep the conversation open, respectful and honest? I would welcome and thoughts and advice about how to continue and enhance our discussions regarding differences in beliefs, while keeping the peace and respecting each others thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

Erin (Trent) Tarr made the three-hour drive from Southern Illinois to Champaign in 1997 to attend the University of Illinois and never left.  Mother of two beautiful girls (3 & 6 years old), she serves as the head tween/teen Leadership Coach at “Be the Benchmark.” You can often find her (with two kids in tow) at Champaign Centennial sporting events where her beloved husband of ten years, Adam, works as an Athletic Trainer.

 

 

Filed Under: Blog, Mom To Mom, Parenting Tagged With: Controversy, daughters, feminism, Marriage, marriage mom

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