Editor’s Note: The post contains adult content that may not be suitable for children.
I’m not talking about sex RIGHT after giving birth, or the immediate year following even. I am talking about sex with the mother of children, sex with anyone who has EVER given birth, adopted or fostered a child.
Let me spell it out: having sex with a MOM, is entirely different than having sex with your wife. Maybe this isn’t so much true for you – the spouse (the mechanics remain basically the same) – but for most moms, post-kid sex is almost NEVER the same as pre-kid sex. The primary reason for this is due to the fact that the most powerful sex organ a woman has is her brain. And wife-brains and mommy-brains do not function the same.
I think the popular someecard lends some perspective to what I am saying which states:
Men: if you ever wanna know what a woman’s mind feels like, imagine a browser with 2,857 tabs open. All. The. Time.
To extend the metaphor: before children these tabs were pretty much evenly divided between work, home, family … with various personal interests thrown in here and there. When it came time for sex most of the tabs could be closed with little notice and willingly for a good time “knocking boots.”
Once a MOM is born however, every tab is completely different and closing them at all is extremely difficult and next .to.impossible without warning. Not to mention the tab that is constantly running the “where are my kids, are they awake, asleep, still breathing, hurt, can they hear us, etc.?” program.
To be clear, this doesn’t mean moms don’t want to or can’t have sex… it just takes a different approach than pre-mom status to warm us up and close out those tabs, and make it easier to turn her on later with the more “conventional” methods.
So – if you are wondering, here are some options that might help close a few of the more stressful “mom” tabs and open some more intimate and sex inducing tabs, based on her love-language.
Acts of Service Love Language
- Clean the bathtub or shower and handle bedtime routine without her so she can enjoy more than 5 minutes in the bathroom sans children
- Make dinner before she gets home from work – AND clean the kitchen
- Start a load of laundry, making sure her most comfortable nightie is nice and fresh
Meaningful Gifts Love Language
- Artwork made by her children
- Jewelry with her children’s birthstones incorporated
- Canvas print photos of her children
Words of Affirmation Love Language
- Text correspondence about children issues ending with “you’re a great mom”
- Copious amounts of verbal complements about her figure and appearance (in spite of its changes due to motherhood – but don’t mention that part!)
- Written appreciation for all she does to hold the family unit together day to day and week to week
Quality Time Love Language
- Date Nights and mini-weekends AWAY from the kids
- Prioritize meals with everyone together as a family – involved in ONE conversation at the dinner table
- Plan a weekly movie-night-in with kids or without– she picks the movie, you make the popcorn
Physical Touch Love Language
- Give a legit massage that doesn’t automatically suggest having sex – just a touch that will help her relax
- Hold her hand on the way into the grocery store – while juggling the kids and avoiding traffic
- Sit next to her on the couch while your kids watch Phineas and Ferb re-runs for the millionth time instead of across the room or in another room
Ok, maybe I am alone in all this. Maybe I am completely out in left field. If so, I apologize for this completely personal post that bears no meaning in your life. That being said it might be good to ask your spouse IF I am right on, off base, or somewhere in between. It can’t hurt, right?
Erin (Trent) Tarr made the three-hour drive from Southern Illinois to Champaign in 1997 to attend the University of Illinois and never left. Mother of two beautiful girls (3 & 5 years old), her passions for leadership and education have led her to start “Be the Benchmark” – a coaching/mentoring business for tween and teen girls. You can often find her (with two kids in tow) at Champaign Centennial sporting events where her beloved husband of ten years, Adam, works as an Athletic Trainer.