by The Wannabe Mom
There are people in this community with faith that seems unshakable.
I am not one of those people.
I was raised Catholic. All the Sacraments. Mass every Sunday—the whole nine-yards.
Hello, my name is Wannabemom and my faith is shaky—at best.
Lately I’ve been thinking about God and our relationship. Or–lack thereof. I’m sick of praying for a baby—begging for a baby. I’m a little bitter and a little angry with God–and with myself for feeling bitter and angry with God.
It’s a viscous cycle.
Last week as I drove to work I saw this:
I almost drove my car off the road.
My first reaction was, “Well, there you go and there you have it. Jesus must not love me.”
Then I felt some good-old-fashioned-Catholic-guilt for having that reaction.
The truth is–I am happy for this family. I am thrilled for this mother. I am embarrassed to have reacted that way.
But, I can’t help myself. Right now, I’m going through a cynical phase.
This billboard–and the website it advertises–doesn’t help. If anything–they fuel my cynicism.
I feel this billboard is a slap in the face to me and to all of us infertiles. I feel it’s a slap in the face to Believers—and shaky Believers.
I interpret this message as “I must not be going to church enough,” or to the right church. I must not be praying hard enough or the right way. If I could only get it together Jesus would heal me, too.
I’m not proud of that reaction. I’m just being honest.
I want to believe. I want to have faith that is unshakable. I want to know—without a shadow of a doubt–there is some power higher than me–or my hubby—or my doctors–who can heal me of our infertility. I don’t want to be such a cynic.
But, I’m struggling.
I’m struggling to believe we can be healed of infertility. I think we can be treated—sometimes successfully and sometimes unsuccessfully. But, healed? I just can’t wrap my head around that.
So I’ll go on my way—shaky faith and all. I’ll try to go easier on myself–and God. I’ll pray for peace for myself and understanding from everyone else—and a baby–the only way I know how.
I hope as the season changes, my attitude changes. And as I drive pass that billboard each morning–I hope to grow less and less cynical.
Have a little faith in me. And I’ll work on having a little more faith in general.