ChambanaMoms.com » Parenting

Woman: Define Thyself

From The Editors — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 05:00:51 +0000

by Sam King

When someone innocently asks, “So, what do you do?”, it ignites within me a nervous self-awareness that usually results in some flip response like, “I occasionally drink up the last of my husband’s favorite coffee out of spite”. I know that it is completely irrational to be flustered by a getting-to-know you type of question. The problem is that the question of “What do I do?” represents an ongoing struggle for me to define myself as a woman and mother.

I was a stay-at-home mom for more than three years and I wore my at-home mommy badge with pride. I never struggled with the decision to stay home, and when my first born came along I basked in the routine of motherhood. My husband and I were in grad school and we shared primary parenting duties while we both worked on our dissertations. Really, I was a mom with benefits; a few breaks a week for research and writing, and the rest of the time spent snuggling my chunk-a-chunk of baby love. I was content with myself and my life.

Everything changed when we moved here and the real world intruded. My husband had a real J-O-B that required really long hours. I was no longer a mommy pursuing a doctorate; instead, I was a PhD dropout with a 9-month old baby and another baby on the way. Though I loved all of my time with my little guy, I felt a tiny bit adrift. Then, when my youngest was born, the realities of life with a 16-month old and a newborn (coupled with my inability to commit to enough consistent childcare to get the job done) made my dwindling dreams of a doctorate drown in a puddle of spit-up and poop.

All I remember, of the first three months of my littlest man’s life, is that these two little boys were totally mine, and though it was exhausting (hello, two babies 16 months apart), at least big chunks of every day were pretty amazing. However, as time moved on, I kept feeling this nagging need to DO something, anything really, that wasn’t centered on upping my milk supply, changing diapers, and preventing my toddler from injury-laden shenanigans.

Photo by db*Photography on flickr

I was lucky enough that I had several, similarly struggling mom friends who led me to a women’s volunteer organization. It was through this organization, that the long-silent driven part of me, began to get quite feisty with her claims on my time. I didn’t just join; I jumped right in and looked at every opportunity as an outlet for all that pent-up need to be something more. And there it was, the realization that I needed to be something more. That was the day the guilt train rolled into town.

How could I want something more than being a mom to my boys? The reality was that I loved being home with my boys and I didn’t want to work full-time. Yet, I knew that I needed something else that would make me feel more at-peace with myself. When my neighbor/fairy-godmother offered me a 10-hour per week research job, I nearly wept in gratitude. I dusted off my nerd-cap and dove into quantitative research; it proved to be my salvation. It you ask my husband, he will tell you that my work has changed me for the better, and he is right. I realize that I am at my best when I am fulfilled, and that is better for everyone.

I have come a long way in my attempts to define who I am as a woman and balance my sense of guilt with my sense of need. These days, when someone asks me, “What do you do?” I tell them I am a part-time research goddess, and a full-time wonder mom; yet, I still feel the need to justify my work with the addendum, “but I only work when my kids are in school”. I may still have a ways to go.

How do you define yourself? Are you a stay-at-home-working mom like Sam?

Sam King is a Midwest mom with a California twist. She is momma to two mad-scientists in little boy bodies and still has the hots for her husband after 12 years of marriage. She is a mom in the middle of daily chaos and she likes her chaos with a side of crazy!

Conference Addresses Safety for Children with Intellectual Disabilities

Laura Weisskopf Bleill — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 05:19:48 +0000

Every parent has their child’s personal safety on their mind much of the time. But for parents who have children with intellectual disabilities, personal safety can be a complex issue that needs to be addressed from a very young age.

With that in mind, the Champaign County Down Syndrome Network is sponsoring a half-day conference focusing on personal safety for persons with intellectual disabilities and their families on June 19 at the First Christian Church in Champaign. Multiple tracks are available for parents and kids, both those who have disabilities and those who don’t, of all ages. Today is the final day of registration (see more below).

“Although safety education is critical for our community,” said organizer Jennifer Schrad, “this is not a subject that is typically offered. Track 4 presenter Shireley Paceley says, ‘Good, healthy education, renders people able to set boundaries for themselves, recognize situations which make them feel uncomfortable, and to tell when someone invades their boundaries. Everyone can learn. Our job is to teach. The younger we start, the easier it is, but it is never too late to begin.’”

photo by annikaleigh on flckr

The conference has a particular focus on sexuality education and sexual abuse education for parents and professionals, as well as for older children. Younger children will learn about bullying; there is also a track for older children who have a sibling with an intellectual disability.

According to Schrad, national data shows that people with disabilities are more likely to be the targets of violent crime and/or sexual abuse — especially children 12 and over — than the general population.

“Predators seek out victims that; won’t resist (or can’t), who they have access to (they may be educators, therapists, special programming staff, or even friends or family), who won’t (or can’t) tell about the abuse or who won’t be believed if they tell,” she said.

There are many audiences for the conference, including professionals who work with people with developmental disabilities; parents; siblings; and self-advocates with developmental disabilities or delays.

“Whether your child is very young, a teen, or an adult, whether they are verbal or non-verbal, live at home or somewhere else, whether they have a developmental delay without a diagnosis or if they are a person with Autism or Down syndrome, this conference is for you and your child.”

For more information, or to register for the conference, visit the Champaign County Down Syndrome Network website and download the brochure. Hurry; TODAY (June 14) is the final day to register. Scholarships may be available.

The Discipline Dilemma

From The Editors — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 17:00:16 +0000

by Michelle Glick

A few years ago I had a startling experience while I was out with my son (then 3). He kept doing some annoying thing, and I told him if he did it one more time that I would take him home. Of course, he did it one more time. As I got up to leave, another mother said with such shock, “Wow, you really are taking him home?” This got me to thinking about how children and discipline can really ruin a friendship, not to mention cause problems for your child.

Now if you are asking why disciplining your own child can be a problem for your friendships, let me explain. All children make bad choices and display unacceptable behavior at some point, actually many points. And most parents understand that this is developmentally appropriate.

The issue comes into play when a parent either ignores the behavior, excuses the behavior, or just threatens a consequence. Most often parents are not judged on the actions of their children but their own inaction.

If that is you, I am hear to tell you with 100 percent certainty that behind your back your friends are saying — or at least thinking, “You let your child get away with too much! I really don’t want to stop hanging out with you but, I think I need to at least limit the time my child is with you and yours. I see my child picking up the same behaviors and I can’t figure out how to discipline my child without offending you. This is making me crazy! I have fun with you but this behavior I now see at home is a real problem for me.”

So here is some advice on how to make sure nobody says this about you.

1. Do your best to be clear, calm, and consistent when you see a behavior you don’t approve of. Young children need to know exactly what they did that you don’t like. Staying calm (which I know is easier said then done) gives your child the message that you are in control. Being consistent tells the child you mean it.

2. Use consequences you can live with that have some effect on your child. Don’t say you will take them home if you won’t. When my son was a toddler, he LOVED to play! If we would be in a social environment and I saw something I didn’t like, I would give him a warning including the punishment. If he chose to disregard a rule or he just plain forgot, he would have to sit on my lap for a count of 20. For him, this was very effective. If you have a cuddler, maybe they need to sit away from you for a count of 20. The important thing is that your child does not like the resulting consequence and the consequence is something you can live with. It also had to be immediate.

3. If you need, give yourself a time out. Say to your child that action X is unacceptable and, that you don’t want to play with them right now. This teaches them the real life consequence that if you treat people poorly, they don’t want to be your friend. What a great life lesson to learned from someone you love and trust.

4. No matter how amused you are by your child’s actions or facial expressions, do not show any emotion other then displeasure. There is nothing that a young child wants more than a parent’s approval and attention. Use that advantage while you have it.

5. Don’t be afraid of a tantrum in public. You are doing what is best for your child. Most people get it and if they don’t, who cares. Your child’s first five years should lay the foundation for good social skills and an understanding that we have high expectation for our children. We don’t expect them to be perfect, but we do expect them to show respect for the rules and people around them.

Keep in mind that the best way for your child to learn acceptable social norms is from you. Learn to hear crying when they don’t get their way or when they know they are in trouble as a gift you lovingly gave them. That is how the process is suppose to work. If you give in, expect more crying. If you ignore unacceptable behaviors, at best expect them to continue, and at worst, expect to see your friends less and less.

Michelle Glick

Michelle Glick is a teacher at a Chicago preschool. She has been an educator for 23 years, first as an elementary school teacher in the Chicago Public Schools. Using those experiences, she is writing a book on play and school readiness. When not teaching or spending time with her husband and 7-year-old son, Michelle loves to volunteer in her community with a goal of improving the lives of women and children.

This is Michelle’s fourth column on parenting for chambanamoms.com.

Memoirs of a Doula: A Gentle Postpartum

From The Editors — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 17:01:24 +0000

“A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for.”

Author Unknown

By Trish Wilkinson

When I had my son Brennen 18 years ago, Mike and I were lucky enough to have my mom stay with us for 10 days after his birth. Before the birth, I wasn’t really sure that I wanted our special time when we brought our baby home “invaded,” even by family. I quickly found out our first night home how much I really needed her (as did my husband … it was the first and last time he had freshly ironed clothes!). I still remember my mom driving away as I watched from my front door, holding my newborn, crying and thinking “are you CRAZY for leaving me with THIS?!?!” And then I continued with life.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have family around to help out when a new baby comes home. And not everyone necessarily needs that help. But a majority of my clients have welcomed some modicum of assistance from the support systems around them. In this day of transient lives, we don’t have the extended family that people had available 100 years ago. And we are hesitant in our “independent” society to ask others to help us. But with having a baby being one of the top five stressors in life, a new family is vulnerable to weakened coping skills due to physical, emotional, and mental changes.

As a doula, I ask my clients about their plans after their birth — who they have to help them, how long they are staying, and if they live in the area. If they don’t have family nearby, I will usually ask them if they belong to any social groups or religious organizations, or even if their work colleagues will be bringing by meals. I emphasize that there is no shame or guilt in asking for assistance — that the new family deserves this time to get to know their little one without having to worry about the laundry or supper.

Some new parents actually hire a postpartum doula to help out in the weeks following the birth. Postpartum doulas are trained in the care of families in the “fourth trimester” … offering education, companionship, household help, and nonjudgmental support. In my practice, Sarah Williams is the wonderful woman that offers that specific part of doula care. She has a patient, gentle, and caring spirit that is exactly what new parents need in the important transition into parenthood. Anybody helping out a new family needs to exude these traits, remembering their role is to assist the parents, not take over the baby.

If new parents choose to have help during their postpartum time, hopefully those helpers will be people who instill trust and confidence. Every little bit helps, and in the end, the offer almost always is welcomed. Even if it’s taking over a meal, it’s one step toward relieving the weight of “life” surrounding a new family. Be careful, though — sometimes it’s addicting. In addition to his crisper looking wardrobe, my husband has never eaten as well as he did those ten days after our son’s birth. But he’s still alive, so I guess I’ve been doing something right!

Trish Wilkinson (photo provided)

Trish Wilkinson has been married for 24 years and is the mother of two boys ages 18 and 14 (first born by unplanned cesarean; the second was a VBAC). A child and family therapist for 15 years before becoming a doula in 2001, she started Tree of Life Doula Services and Birth Resources in 2005 and has attended more than 250 births, including cesareans. She is a certified doula through Doulas of North America, as well as licensed clinical social worker for the state of Illinois. She is a regular contributor to chambanamoms.com.

Researcher: Breast-Feeding Not Just A Lifestyle Choice

Amy L. Hatch — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 01:15:11 +0000

A new study says that if 90 percent of all moms fed their babies just breast-milk for the first six months, they could prevent dangerous and costly illnesses including stomach viruses, asthma and juvenile diabetes.

About 43 percent of moms do breast-feed their babies, but also supplement with formula.

The study also says that exclusive breastfeeding for six months could prevent as many as 900 infant deaths per year and save the United States about $13 billion annually, according to a story by the Associated Press.

Dr. Melissa Bartick is the study’s lead author, and she says that while breast-feeding is sometimes considered to be a “lifestyle choice,” it is far more than that. It is, says the internist and instructor at Harvard Medical School, a public health issue.

And it isn’t always easy to do, either. Lots of moms struggle to get that latch right or to endure the pain of it. Because yes, sometimes it hurts. It isn’t always as natural and beautiful as some would like us to believe.

Luckily, there are lots of resources here in Champaign-Urbana, including the Carle Community Breastfeeding Clinic (Laura swears by it) and, of course, the local La Leche League.

What strikes me most about the AP story is the Chicago pediatrician who tells the news service that moms shouldn’t be shunned if they can’t manage breast-feeding because of their work situations. Dr. Larry Gray of the University of Chicago says mothers should not be blamed or made to feel guilty.

Can I get an amen? I could not agree more, and indeed, we should extend that same courtesy to all formula-feeding moms.

Breast may be best for lots of moms out there, and I got no beef with that at all. If you want to breast-feed your kid any time, any place, I’ll stand up for your right to do so. No, what gets my knickers in a twist are the people who try to make formula-feeding moms feel guilty.

It happens, folks. When you breast-feed and someone tries to get in your way or stop you? Look out, buddy, because here comes a thundering, supportive mob of moms who will get right up in your grill.

But bust out that bottle at the playground? Brace yourself for the furtive casting of judgmental eyes upon you and your babe. I know of what I speak, because I endured a slew of nosy, none-too-subtle questions about my “choice” not to breast-feed. And frankly, how a mom chooses to feed her baby is no one’s business but her own.

Look at me and Laura: When it comes to breast-feeding, we’re polar opposites. She stuck it out for 12 months with each of her girls, even though she didn’t necessarily enjoy it. With my son, I decided even before he was born that breast wasn’t for me, and it turns out that it wasn’t ideal for his health, either.

And you know what? We’re still friends. And our children — all four of them, collectively, whether breast- or bottle-fed — are happy, healthy and well-adjusted.

My advice? Take these studies with a grain of salt. Statistics can be manipulated. Is breast-feeding a good idea if it works for you physically, mentally and emotionally? You betcha. Is it a bad idea if the opposite holds true? For sure.

The bottom line is that we all make choices based on what we think is best for our families, and that is really all we can do, studies or no studies.

Crafts for The Anti-Crafter: Homemade Finger Paint

Amy L. Hatch — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 06:00:24 +0000

Afraid of a fingerpaint mess? Use it outdoors. Photo courtesy of sxu.com

I went through this period when I loved to go to the craft store.

My daughter was just turning three and I wasn’t working all that much, which meant that we had an awful lot of daylight to burn when on Tuesdays and Thursdays, when she was home from pre-school.

The thing is, I really hate crafting. Cutting, pasting…I find it so tedious. I always have, even when I was a kid. But my girl loves to make things with her hands, so I felt like I needed to feed that beast.

Now that she’s in school five days a week, she gets all the creative crafting she could possibly want. But my son is cresting the Age of Crafting, so I started looking for ways to give him some artistic play without making myself crazy or spending his inheritance at Hobby Lobby.

I asked Twitter what to do, and I got a fantastic idea: homemade fingerpaint.

It’s quick, easy and cheap, and I know my son will love getting his hands dirty doing this craft. Bonus: It’s totally non-toxic, so even the littlest of littles can get in there without Mom or Dad worrying that they’ll stick their fingers in their mouths.

Twitter, that wise social medium, also advises that this craft works very well outdoors on warm spring days.

To sum up: non-toxic, inexpensive and easy to clean up. Homemade fingerpaint, for the win!

Homemade Finger Paint

Ingredients:

1/2 cup cornstarch
3 Tbsp. sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
2 cups cold water
food coloring

In a medium pan, mix all the ingredients together to make the finger paint. Cook over low heat 10 to 15 minutes. Keep stirring the finger paint mixture until it is smooth and thick. After the finger paint has thickened take the pan off the stove and let the mixture cool.

After cooling, divide the finger paint into storage containers depending on how many colors you would like. Add a few drops of food coloring to each container. Stir the coloring in to the paint to determine the shade of color. You’re ready to finger paint! Cover tightly when storing.

Recipe from Creative Kids At Home

Memoirs of a Doula: Trust Through The Trimesters

Laura Weisskopf Bleill — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 15:00:06 +0000

By Trish Wilkinson

Women’s (strongest) feelings (in terms of their birthing), positive and negative, focus on the way they were treated by their caregivers.

Annie Kennedy and Penny Simkin

If you are an expecting mom, know your options for prenatal and birth care providers. (Photo provided by Trish Wilkinson)

Birth is one of the most intensely important times in your life, and the person who provides your prenatal care can make such a difference in how the whole experience is perceived. It is essential that women know the resources and the caregiver options available in their community in order to help them make the choice that is right for them. And this subject has really made me look at my own experiences — I realize that I have taken more time deciding on paint samples for my bedroom than I did when I looked for an obstetrician 20 years ago!

Champaign-Urbana has a fairly progressive medical birth community for a Midwestern, semi-rural university town. There are a number of obstetricians, certified nurse midwives, women’s health professionals, nurse practitioners, and family practice physicians that practice at the two major hospitals, Provena Covenant and Carle Foundation Hospital. Choosing a caregiver in the case of home birth is more difficult — home birth is technically not legal in Illinois. Therefore the availability of attendants is scarce — it is harder to find support in this arena, but not impossible.

Whether you are choosing a hospital or home birth, taking the time to seek out a caregiver with whom you are comfortable will go a long way in boosting confidence and feeling reassured when it is time to give birth. Asking questions and seeking answers is a woman’s right and responsibility.

I have had clients lament that they did not more thoroughly research the options available to them, and that they did not interview more caregivers. If a woman feels this is important to her overall birth experience, there are so many ways to “investigate” the possibilities available for care. Utilize Web sites and books that list questions to ask potential providers; talk to mom’s groups who have experienced birth in the area, getting feedback on who they used; talk to family, friends, social/spiritual networks; call doulas that have experience with providers in the area. And interview, interview, interview!

If you are established already with a provider, be sure to keep up communication with them. Do not be afraid or intimidated to dialogue — while some caregivers may give off an “aura” of inapproachability, you won’t know for sure until you try. And be sure to tap into your partner/support system throughout the process — they can give you additional feedback with their impressions.

Knowing the options for the services in an area can go a long way in helping a woman find a provider with whom she is comfortable. It can be so detrimental to a woman to basically open up the phone book and settle for the first name on which her finger lands. Be sure to be proactive wherever you live — your comfort level with your provider can definitely help you as you travel through your pregnancy journey.

Trish Wilkinson (photo provided)

Local Television Show for Moms Debuts Sunday

Laura Weisskopf Bleill — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 20:38:19 +0000

Marie, Allan and Noah Polk. Marie Polk is the founder of C-U Mommy Connection, a new local television show. (Photo provided)

by Laura Weisskopf Bleill

Marie Polk became a first-time mom at age 36 when son Noah entered her and husband Allan’s world on October 24.

Her second “baby,” C-U Mommy Connection, was just born on March 6 with the taping of its first episode.

C-U Mommy Connection is a half-hour television show “dedicated to mommies, their precious babies and the families they love.” It will make its debut Sunday March 14 at 8:30 p.m. on UPTV Channel 6, Urbana’s public access network.

“The goal of the show is to enrich the lives of mommies and babies everywhere,” said Polk, a Danville native who has lived in the area all her life. “The show will be informative, educational, and fun. Tune in to see moms from the community supporting one another and sharing in the wonderful experience of motherhood.”

Polk came up with the idea for C-U Mommy Connection several months after she found out she was pregnant. Friends she made at a local prenatal yoga class and who she continues to meet with once a week now that all their babies were born helped inspire her to produce the show.

Topics will include pregnancy stories; birth stories; preparing for labor and delivery; bottles, breastfeeding, and solid foods; and infant massage.

The most important advice Polk received about parenting before Noah was born was “don’t blink.”

“I was told more than once to be sure to enjoy every moment because children change and grow so fast,” said Polk, who is currently staying at home with Noah but will be looking to re-enter the workforce soon. “And, it’s true. Noah has changed so much in just under five months. Being in the moment with him is important because I’ve discovered that everything is so temporary.”

Interested in participating? Have a show idea or want to share feedback? Contact Marie Polk via email at mommyconnection@comcast.net

Mom to Mom: Hidden Cameras

Laura Weisskopf Bleill — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 12:00:18 +0000

Photo by Pink Sherbet Photography on flickr

by Jennifer Newell

Most days I’m glad that there aren’t cameras in my house. It’s not because my kids are loud or the bathrooms need cleaning — it’s because I have many moments as a mom where I’m just not that pretty.

I’m not talking about showering and putting on clean clothes – I’m talking about the moments as a mom where every little thing is about to push you over the edge. It usually starts after lunchtime when I’m just plain tired. This is the scene at my house: Maggie starts whining, I remind her that I don’t listen to any type of whining and then we get into an argument over absolutely nothing, but I have to “win” so it’s a shuffle between time-outs for disrespect and a screaming almost 3-year-old. All while, Sebastian continues to either try to climb the stairs or eat the cat food. I seem to have exhausted every possible way of saying, “No! Don’t eat the cat food.”

My patience runs out — I keep pacing the house trying to come up with quiet activities to enjoy before naptime, but also keep staring at the clock hoping 2 o’clock comes faster. Oh how I love naptime! Then, the bedtime routine starts and I just try to push through it so I can go sit down for five minutes without someone needing or touching me.

What usually happens next is not what I would have expected in my pre-mom life. I feel guilty. I know that the frustration I feel with my kid’s behavior is mostly because of some selfish desire to get “more important” things done or relax. I don’t really care if Maggie takes her nap in a tutu or if Sebastian needs to be rocked for 1 more minute. So why do I make a big deal about it? These are the moments that I’m going to miss someday and I should try and enjoy every part of the day — even the ugly ones.

This sense of guilt and balance of running a household (being wife, mom & me) can be overwhelming. However, at the end of the day the thing that keeps me going are the moments where I wish the cameras were rolling — the desire for “one more kiss mommy” or hearing “mommy, I love you SO much” or even a sweet little baby boy kissing/eating my face. All of these moments outweigh the not-so-pretty moments of being a mom and really make this experience an adventure that I wouldn’t want to miss.

Jennifer Newell

Jennifer Newell is an occasional contributor to chambanamoms. com, and also runs Bella Bambini, a children’s boutique in Champaign. If you are interested in submitting an essay for our “Mom to Mom” series, please contact us.

Memoirs of a Doula: Introduction

Laura Weisskopf Bleill — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 18:00:01 +0000

A doula can be critical for mom and her partner. (Photo by mikesalibaphoto on flickr)

Editor’s Note: Please welcome our newest contributor, Chambana mom and certified doula Trish Wilkinson.

Main Entry: dou·la
Pronunciation: \’dü-lə\ Function: noun Etymology: Mod Greek, female helper, maidservant, from Greek doulē female slave Date: 1981:
a woman experienced in childbirth who provides advice, information, emotional support, and physical comfort to a mother before, during, and just after childbirth. (Webster)

I love being a doula. When asked why I became a doula, people often assume it is because I love babies. Well, while I do hold babies in fairly high esteem (for which my two sons will someday realize they are eternally grateful!), the main reason I do what I do is because I love being with a woman and her support system during the awesome and life changing experience of birth.

When I gave birth to my wonderful sons, I had two completely different pregnancies, labors, deliveries, and postpartum. But the common thread through both experiences was the amazing pride I felt in myself as a woman.

Even though I had an unexpected cesarean with my first child, and delivered my second vaginally, I felt the same feelings of enpowerment, wonder, and awe after both.

As a doula, that is my professional goal – - for every woman to feel proud and empowered after they give birth, no matter what path the birth journey takes.

Now as I embark on this new branch on my tree of experiences, I hope that I can help address questions and issues in our birthing community here in the Champaign-Urbana area. I welcome suggestions, comments, and just plain chatting as I dip my writing pen (I think I just dated myself!) into the well of information we have available regarding pregnancy, labor, and birth. I don’t have all the answers, but I will do my best to find the resources to address them.

Thanks to all you moms out there!! We rock!

Trish Wilkinson (photo provided)