by Erin Knowles
Waiting.
Our alarm clocks ring, we get out of bed.
Waiting.
The coffee starts brewing, we grab some breakfast.
Waiting.
We take our showers, get dressed, pack our bags.
Waiting.
We drive to work, say goodbye, and go about our days.
Waiting.
The phone rings, my heart skips a beat. It’s a contractor.
Waiting.
Is it a boy? Or a girl? Are they ok? Is this going to happen?
Waiting.
A call from Ellyn indicates no new news, questions still unanswered.
Waiting.
No matter what you are waiting for, life moves on whether you’re ready for it to or not. Whether you want it to or not.
In the meantime, there was much to do and accomplish. Working closely with the Adoption Center for Family Building (based in Skokie, IL), we were on the fast track to complete the requirements prior to adoption (home studies, background checks, watch training videos, etc.) in two short weeks. These are requirements that most couples take months to fulfill.
Given our location far from our home study agency and time constraints, many of the trainings were “virtual,” watched online or on DVDs that were mailed to us. These trainings included first-person accounts of others’ adoption stories. We heard the viewpoints of birth parents (mostly mothers), adoptive families, adopted children, and everyone in between. They were designed to educate us, not only on the process we were currently going through, but also when, and how, to talk to our child about adoption, and what issues we might expect as our child gets older.
The videos were thought-provoking, and at times a little unnerving. I’ve mentioned before that there are many different players in the adoption process, and each and every one has their own experience, their own feelings, and is riding their own emotional roller coaster. At times I felt like I was being let in on little parenting secrets that we wouldn’t learn anywhere else. Other times the information coming at me made my mind foggy, and the air thick, making it hard to breathe easily. I would be hit with the reality that nothing from that moment on would be the same, especially me.
Many of the stories relayed were about birthparents who happened to be young, and for us that provided little to no insight into how an open adoption might go for us since our situation was very different. We are consummate researchers, and in one of the most important, critical moments of our lives, no amount of research would be able to provide any insight, or comfort, for what might come. We felt like we had placed everything, including our hearts and souls, on the table, making the biggest bet of our lives.
Then again, should you really start a family if you’re not willing to go all-in?
Those days felt like we were strapped into the seat of one of those rockets on the roller coaster Space Mountain at Disney World. In spite of the bright and flashing lights, it is dark, and cold. The ride takes off (granted, I last rode this coaster in about 1988, and for good reason!) and shoots you into utter darkness, where turns and drops take you by complete surprise. For a few moments things look up because the lights provide a path, only in an instant it goes dark again. You don’t know what’s coming, when it’s coming, or where it will take you. At least with an amusement ride, you know, shortly, it will end. You will disembark, exit, and go back out into the world to find the next thrill.
But for us, our journey made us feel as though we were perpetually strapped to our seat, while completely unknown entities guided and controlled our fate. How could we plan for our future, when we didn’t even know what the next hour might bring?
We couldn’t.
So we just sit, and wait.
Erin Knowles made the leap from full-time employment to work-at-home entrepreneur. While her business is lifestyle photography, she is an artist who holds a camera. Erin is also active in the community, serving on the Orpheum Children’s Science Museum Board of Directors as well as being involved in the UP Center of Champaign County. Erin and her partner of 18 years, Cari, are parents to Henry (5) and Millie (3), who never cease to make life interesting. Her favorite quote from the week comes from her son to Cari: “Mommy, even if there was a better mom out there I wouldn’t want her because you cook the BEST food!”