Credit: Flickr, blakeemrys
You remember the poster, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten?” I feel like writing my own version, “Everything I Could Have Lived Without Knowing I Learned While I was Pregnant.”
Since I’ve been pregnant I’ve received loads of solicited and unsolicited advice and information. Some has been valuable and some has been downright discouraging.
If someone asks you about your due date and their birthday falls anywhere near that date, they will excitedly tell you that. If you want to hear a labor war story all you have to do is broach the subject of labor with a mom and she will happily share all the gory details. I don’t mind those stories and tidbits. It’s the downright discouraging comments that I find most upsetting. Sure, you can always blame my extra sensitivity on the hormones, but I think my feelings are justified with or without the hormone fluctuations.
In the post Join the Club I mentioned moms often have the, “come over to our side” mentality. If you are a mom, you want non-moms to join the group. Moms want to share their stories of sleepless nights, feeding struggles, colds and financial strains that come from having a newborn. But they also want to proudly share the first smile, first giggle and eventually first word with others who appreciate these milestones. I understand that now, and with 10 weeks left in my pregnancy, I’m finding myself more and more inclined to commiserate and share with other pregos or new moms.
What I don’t get and have an issue with are mommy haters. These are women (and men) who have told me, from day one, how my life will change for the worse. They make having children and babies sound like a chore, something that changed the course of their life forever, and not necessarily for the better.
So, without further ado, I’m presenting a list of what others have told me I will have to change/give up/or never be able to do again once our son is born.
- Have long hair. “I’ll be sad for you when you have to cut your hair.” I apparently won’t have time to straighten, blow dry or even wash my hair, it seems.
- Wear nice clothes. “I know someone who gave away all of their nice clothes when they had children. It showed a real sign of maturity.” Due to constant spit up, vomit and poop, anything other than sweats and T-shirts are deemed futile.
- Be organized. I brought some forms into a workplace and was sitting down with someone to go over them. I had a list of questions typed out that I wanted to ask her. I said, “Please excuse all the questions, I’m a little on the hyper-organized side.” She responded, “Oh, well that will change when you have the baby.”
- Have a clean house/car. This comment may be the one I’ve received most as it’s apparent to most people that know me I like to keep a clean house and car.
- “Get ready not to have a clean car anymore.”
- “You will need to baby proof your house and put all of this stuff away.”
I get it! I do! You don’t need to tell me how dirty my house will become. Feel free to share a cute anecdote about your baby, though. I’d love to hear about that.
- Go out alone with my husband. Acquaintance: “What are you doing this weekend?” Me: “Going out to dinner with my husband.” Acquaintance: “Better enjoy that while it lasts. You won’t be going out to dinner alone for a long time.”
- Sleep. “You’re pregnant? Ahh, better catch up on your sleep now. You won’t be getting any after the baby is born.”
- Being on time. I’m chronically late. I’ve tried hard to improve on this flaw of mine by initiating a New Year’s Resolution. When I told others about my resolution they responded, “If you think it’s hard now, just wait until you have kids. It’ll be so much harder to get out of the house.”
After being inundated with these comments from the moment I announced I was pregnant, it makes me think—these people want to see me in sweats and a stubby ponytail, bags under my eyes and a sink full of dishes. What happened to lifting up those around you? Why try to bring others down? The even crazier thing—these are moms and dads I’m talking about here. Non- parents are supportive and positive, while the individuals with children are the ones I find most discouraging.
Enough is enough. When this post is published, I’m officially letting go of these comments. I’m not going to take them to heart anymore. Everyone’s experience is different, and it’s time I recognize that and tune out the negativity. My experience as a new mom will be what I make it: nice clothes or not, clean car or Cheerios on the floor, long locks or short, I have the power to be the mom I want to be. One thing I know for sure, the next time someone tells me they’re pregnant, I will send nothing but positive messages their way. They deserve to have their pregnancy, childbirth and childrearing experience be whatever they want to make it.
Emily Harrington is a 29-year-old townie on the cusp of full-blown adulthood. She’s a wife still in the honeymoon stage and a mom of a borderline psychotic mini-Australian Shepherd. She has a full-time job in communications/marketing and a full-time life outside of work.
None of this stuff is true. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about motherhood, it’s that every experience is different, and that some moms LOVE to tell you their horror stories.
The “sleep” one was always my favorite. During the last two and a half months of my pregnancy, I was up every 60-90 minutes to pee, so it’s not like I slept much. When people told me to enjoy my sleep before the baby was born, the only thing I could think was, “this gets worse? How?” And of course, it didn’t. I remember the first time my daughter slept for five straight hours (I think she was 3 weeks old) and I felt like a brand-new person.
It seems to me that the information that you’re getting from the veterans is not helpful because you simply haven’t had the experience of being a mom yet.
Every mom’s experience is different, so I would estimate that some of these comments will actually turn out to be helpful to you in some way, even if they’re unsolicited now. You just can’t know which until you’re in the experience for yourself.
For better or worse, pregnancy and motherhood are events in our lives that really tie us to the whole of humanity. In both beautiful and frustrating ways.
Hang in there. The sad part of this is that all of those comments continue, except they’re about your parenting skills. I love being a mom, but I abhor the emotional isolation when you try to get away from all the negativity. Sometimes it feels like there are no accepting people left. I have a child with special needs, I get suggestions all the time, because you can’t tell his issue by looking at him. It is hard and people can be insensitive. Find the good ones and hold on tight!
I was so very lucky to have 2 close girlfriends who were relaxed & amazing mothers. They shared a few tips with me about labor and nursing. Things they wished they had known and on the other side of it I was glad they did because it took away fear when I could think “oh this is what they meant” but they did it with humor and kindness.
A friend of mine is due the same time as you and the other day someone had shared a horror story w her. I shared w her what I always share ~ “It’s a beautiful thing, you will be amazing, it will be a love beyond measure, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise”
When I was pregnant, I heard both positive and negative stories about pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood. And that’s exactly how parenting has been – positive sometimes and negative sometimes. Things definitely changed – most for the better & some for the worse. I don’t believe that the people who share their horror stories with me have malicious intent or are trying to bring me down, so I just try to let it go. (After all, no one told me I’d regret having kids altogether, so I guess that means even the horror-storiers think the good outweighs the bad!)
I think that a lot of people just feel the need to emphasize how much your life will change. It isn’t the same for everyone, and that is why you get so many different stories. You will have less time for yourself, so whether you choose to not clean your house or skip a day of showering (or cut your hair to make it easier!), etc. The end message is really that your priorities will completely change. It is probably starting to sink in, but once you have your baby you will start to understand.
And for the best advice I got… everything gets much better after the first couple weeks! You will do fine, and just take the advice you like and forget the rest.
I particularly remember vividly those unsolicited birth horror stories and how awful they were. I ended up with a pretty terrible birth experience — worse than any of the stories, but I obviously won’t be sharing it here–LOL I never tell pregnant women my nightmare birth story– chances are it won’t happen to them and there is no need to cause them worry. The advice I do share with pregnant women about the birth is that they can make all the plans they want, but the universe may throw them a curve ball, and that the important thing is not to feel like they failed if things don’t go as planned. I also tell them that being a parent is a wonderful thing, and all those women who tell you the birth/parenting nightmare stories still often go on to have another kid, and would still tell you they are glad they have their children. Also, as others above have said—every mom is different, and you will find your own balance, and of course you will still be you!
I believe using the term “mommy haters” is being a bit over-dramatic, and quite honestly, condescending. These people’s words, including mine, are far from hate. Yes, people provide advice that may or may not be helpful, but with something like being a parent, this advice is real and very personal in nature (even if it doesn’t come out that way and comes out more as a “let me tell you how it’s going to be”).
There is nothing more raw, nothing more vulnerable, nothing more gut-wrenching, nothing more endorphin-producing-I-can-conquer-the-world-making, nothing more able to make you feel love, and with that sadness and pain than the experience parenthood provides. Everyone experiences something different as a parent based on their circumstances, and this provides a basis, sometimes, for the information parents-to-be receive in return. You might find time to do your hair and go out on dates and prove all of the skeptics wrong, and if so, a thousand cheers for you.
But to call people who speak their own experienced truth haters – solicited or not, helpful or not – well, that’s just a little hateful and presumptuous in itself.
If you say you’re going to run a marathon, some will congratulate you, others will say you’re nuts. Decide to clip coupons and some will say you’re wasting time – others will say you’re saving tons. It’s all perception. Stop looking to find fault in everything people say. Just listen. Or don’t. But stop acting like your glass is always full and everyone elses is cracked and empty.
Yikes people! Just checked back on here to see if anyone else had commented and eek! I don’t feel this negativity is warranted here. Being pregnant is hard–the hormones, the fatigue, the nausea, etc. And all those negative stories from people can be really hard. I don’t think moms mean to frighten moms-to-be when they make “your life is going to be over” type comments or when they tell birth/parenting horror stories. But, when you are a pregnant mom-to-be, these stories can leave you feeling quite anxious about the birth and what is to come. I remember going to a party once when I was about 7 or 8 months pregnant and getting an ear full of nightmare stories from two moms I met there, I was a wreck of panic when I got home!! Part of it is just the hormones of course, and I did not think they did it on purpose–but all the advice and negative stories can really be overwhelming and that is all I thought this woman was saying in her blog. I think what to take from this is just to keep this in mind when you interact with moms-to-be—that speaking your truth to that person at that particular moment is not always best. Like I said above I never share my awful birth story with pregnant women because a story like that would have terrified me while pregnant!!!
Thank you for making me feel like I’m not the only one who has received this type of discouraging feedback. It’s so nice to not feel alone, rather supported.
Emily — I really hope you don’t let these negative comments get to you. I don’t know if you ever read the Wannabe Mom on here, but I remember when even she got a cluster of crappy comments saying she should get over it and stop focussing on what is missing in her life, move on, stop whining about how hard it is when people keep announcing pregnancy news or when they ask her if she wants a baby, etc. I mean she got a TON of support on here, but she also got some people who were just plain cruel. I feel like you have gotten some similarly unwarranted negativity–particularly on this post and the one a while back about hoping it was a girl. You are blogging about YOUR feelings, and those feelings are valid and important. And it is brave to put yourself out there and share–especially while pregnant and so emotionally vulnerable. So just mentally hit the delete button when you see those, and keep writing!!!!
Birth “horror” stories are still important stories to share. As a mom with three traumatic births including one stillbirth, I get really negative or uncomfortable reactions when I share my stories. This is hurtful on top of the hurt I already have. I don’t deserve to be silenced.
With that being said. I think that it would be beneficial to discuss gentle ways for women to talk to one another honestly about pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. Some of it is so manificent that you wish you could just have a million babies. But the tough, horrible, and downright traumatizing things are real, too, and we should be honest with one another. We all feel negative things, and we are all struggling. Maybe if difficult and traumatic births weren’t so horrible to share, women would feel less traumatized and more normal when births aren’t the perfect, natural affairs we were hoping they would be.
Same goes for any other part of parenting.