Credit: acme, Flickr
By Emily Harrington
What’s the proper protocol on telling someone you’re pregnant? From my observations, there’s no right or wrong time, it’s all about what you and your husband are comfortable with.
Some decide to wait until they are out of the danger zone a.k.a. first trimester. But, three months! No way. How can you contain this information? I had a girlfriend practically disappear for three months until she felt comfortable telling us. It’s hard coming face-to-face with your friends and family while keeping this monumental of a secret.
Everyone has different ideas of when the best time to tell others is. But, I’ve worked out a six-phase information dissemination system perfect for the control freak mom-to be.
If you are thinking about becoming pregnant, I highly suggest having the idea of how you are going to tell the people in these different phases already planned out. Once you get the two lines, it’s hard to hold the information in, especially to those in phases one and two.
So, if you’ve got a plan in place on how you are going tell them, you can immediately share the news with your partner and parents and in-laws. Want to feel completely inadequate and like the anti-Martha Stewart? Look at Pinterest contributor’s ideas—these will make you wince and smile simultaneously.
1) Immediately—you find out your pregnant. Congrats! It’s time to tell your partner in a super-cute, memorable way (see Pinterest above). Whatever you choose to do, make it personal, make it special and make it just about the three of you.
2) Within the first week of finding out—now your partner knows, it’s time to tell your in-laws and parents. Bring tissues and ear plugs.
3) Within the first week of finding out—siblings. Everyone loves being an aunt and an uncle. They will be so happy they get to share in all the joy without any of the work.
You can count on those in phase two and three to trickle the information through the respective sides of the family tree. Watch out, because your phone will start trilling off the hook with congratulatory texts.
4) Week two of finding out—your inner circle will probably know that you’ve been trying and will be expecting that call. Typically, this is a circle of five to six around the same age as you and your partner. When they hear one of their close friends is pregnant, it prompts an inner response where they will begin to question their own stage in life.
- Am I married?
- In a serious relationship?
- Are kids in my future?
- Are we really old enough to be having kids?
Guys typically respond with, “Whoa, dude.” While girls shriek in excitement, “OMG, I’m so excited for you two!”
5) Month one of finding out—all friends. I suggest a friendly text, mass email or cute postcard. Be prepared. News travels fast is a very real saying. If there’s anyone you aren’t ready to find out, you may want to postpone this phase. There are no guarantees that this group won’t share information freely.
6) After the first trimester is complete—
- Boss—setup a one-on-one meeting with your direct report and let them know where you are in your pregnancy, due date and any known plans that would affect your job.
- Coworkers—after your boss knows, bring in cinnamon rolls for your office and tell them, “I’ve got a bun in the oven.”
- Facebook—if you are on Facebook and want everyone and their mom (literally) to know post away!
Again, I’m a control freak and this would be our information dissemination plan on how and when to tell everyone the monumental news. You get so few chances to spring an announcement of this magnitude on your friends and family—why not make it memorable.
It’s easy to get caught up in the, “What-ifs” too, but try to enjoy the moment and don’t think about what could happen. Celebrate each day—the more people that know, the bigger the party.
Emily Harrington is a 28-year-old townie on the cusp of full-blown adulthood. She’s a wife still in the honeymoon stage and a mom of a borderline psychotic mini-Australian Shepherd. She has a full-time job in communications/marketing and a full-time life outside of work.
I chose to wait until 8 weeks to tell parents and in-laws and then 13 weeks to announce on Facebook. Next time I will be waiting a long time — until we find out the gender. Because I had a second tri loss at 15 weeks with my first and it was hard to un-announce on facebook after we’d already waited out the first tri. Everyone is different, though. My advice is to do what feels right.
With my first pregnancy, I was carrying twins, and in the first trimester I told only my mom and my boss (because I was frequently absent from work due to many OB appointments). We told everyone else a few weeks into the second trimester. That was kinda fun. I would say, “Are you sitting down? I hope you’re sitting down.”
For my second pregnancy, I showed *early* (seriously, I looked 4 months pregnant at only 8 weeks – I couldn’t fit into my regular clothes, and my OB shrugged and said, “well, your uterus has done this before”). So I was sort of forced into telling people that I saw in person. Then I lost the baby at 11 weeks, and it was very difficult to spread that news.
Your sequence sounds good, but honestly, I would recommend waiting until at least 13 weeks to tell anyone outside of a very close circle.
After having a miscarriage myself, trust me you don’t want to be telling so many people so early. I suppose it can vary quite greatly depending on how many people and how close of a relationship you have with them. But I would keep the news to a very close group of people (those who you would lean on if something did happen) until at least 8 weeks. Yes you are excited, but miscarriage is far more common than I think most people realize and the hardest thing in the world I’ve ever had to do is tell others that I was no longer pregnant.
I tend to agree with what others have written in their comments, particularly those who have experienced a miscarriage. I tend to tell those who would need to know if anything were to happen (significant other of course, grandparents, etc). All others wait until we feel comfortable.
Additionally I did it funny that this “plan” was written by someone who, from their biography, apparently is not a parent. So while this “plan” sounds great for them, I’d personally rather take advice on this topic from someone that’s actually “been there, done that” so to speak.
With our 3rd we waited much linger to tell people because of a scare I had in my 2nd pregnancy. My mom and a couple close friends knew but no one else until the 2nd trimester. It was hard though.
We wrote a story for our older boys and had my son who had just started reading read it to his brother that’s how they found out and were so excited! I waited quite a while to put it on Facebook and when I did I just put a picture of our 2nd in a big brother picture. I hate seeing pictures of pregnancy tests! I know someone peed on that- gross!
Step 1–yes. The rest–if you’re as much of a super-planner control freak as the list above makes it appear, then you should have a second list of how to handle all the un-telling if there is a miscarriage. They really are very common in the first trimester! When we had ours, it was amazing how many people came (or sent a card) to say, “We’re sorry, and we’ve experienced the same loss.” Our second pregnancy looked great until 11 or 12 weeks and was a miscarriage within a few days of the warning signs.
I will add that with our first pregnancy, I had a pretty early ultrasound where I was told that it would probably end in miscarriage–and it DIDN’T. It ended with an extremely healthy baby at 40 or 41 weeks, who has since become a very healthy child. But we definitely put off telling anyone else for quite a while.
I respectfully disagree with the Rizzster. I think this is a wonderful plan, regardless of not having the”been there done that” experience.