Credit: Karen Sheets de Gracia, Flickr
By Emily Harrington
I visited a girlfriend this month, a new mom, and spied something interesting on her kitchen counter. It was a five-page list written in bright pink pen. After zeroing in on the title I realized this comprehensive list was instructions for her husband on how to take care of their son when she isn’t there.
He’s a good guy, seems engaged and involved, but at the same time, I thought to myself, “Why doesn’t he know any of this stuff? The list included (but wasn’t limited to) feeding times, amounts and types of food, nap times, even behavioral quirks like hold him this way to get him to burp or he sleeps better with the blue fuzzy blanket not the cream nubby one.
She’s still on maternity leave, so I do understand that he isn’t with their son 24/7 like she is. But, this seems like a universal double standard. The mom doesn’t get instructions; she struggles with figuring everything out on her own, while the husband is provided a list for his convenience.
Even the women who work the same amount as their husbands seem to know more, be much more aware of the details and schedules. I can’t figure out why this is the accepted norm. The woman is counted on, expected to be the caretaker, while the man is referred to as a babysitter.
In a marriage you’re taught to have an equal 50-50 partnership, it’s even encouraged by society. But, when it’s comes to rearing a child the responsibility mostly falls to the woman. Is this simply because the baby comes from our body? That simple but major fact may be the prime reason that the scales tip to the woman.
I want to be able to count on my husband to care for our future children when I’m there or not. If I need to go somewhere, I don’t want it to be a problem. I think it’ll be up to me to include him and trust that he can do it on his own from the start. I’ve heard many of the moms in my life say, “It’s just easier for me to do it. It takes my 15 minutes to get her down, and it takes him 45 minutes. So, I just do it to save time.”
So, maybe the men aren’t really to blame. We’ve got to relinquish a little control to them, let them make some mistakes along the way, let them get comfortable. If we always grab the baby when the child is crying, they’ll never get a chance.
I’m only looking for a good balance. I want my husband to be in the know 100 percent—an equal caretaker, not a babysitter. Yes, I know he won’t be able to breastfeed, but I’d hope he’d know how to change a diaper at lightning speed and which toy makes them smile.
Emily Harrington is a 28-year-old townie on the cusp of full blown adulthood. She’s a wife still in the honeymoon stage and a mom of a borderline psychotic mini-Australian Shepherd. She has a full-time job in communications/marketing and a full-time life outside of work.
OK, I am speaking now as a full-time working mom whose hubby decided to be a stay-at-home dad for the first few years of our kids’ lives. If you want your great guy to feel less like a babysitter, and more like a parent, then here is my advice: LET HIM DO THINGS HIS WAY. Most women make the mistake of wanting things done precisely as they would do them – and then they leave the lists you describe.
If a man is treated like a babysitter, he will feel like a babysitter. As with a lot of other things I have seen in my long life, this is often a case where the women set the tone, and then blame the men for it.
Your husband isn’t you. He won’t do things the way you will. Chances are, your kiddies will survive it.
So let him, Your marriage will be stronger, the kids’ bond with their dad will be stronger, and your husband will feel loved, appreciated, and competent.
Word of warning, however: don’t be surprised – or sad – if there are things that the kids only want Daddy to do. It comes with the territory!!!
Excellent comment from Laura Hollis!
We’ve found that as the kids get older, it’s helpful to divide up areas of parenting expertise so that mom doesn’t fall into the pattern of becoming the designated expert on everything. if dad is the parent to go to Orientation Night at the school or to take the kids to doctors appointments, or whatever, then he becomes the point person for scheduling, follow-up, volunteering, etc. in that realm of family life.
When our last child was born I had returned to work and we worked out a schedule that had my husband staying home with our daughter in the mornings. When hammering this out he said ” So I’m going to babysit until you get home at 1:00 right?” ughh no , I’m not going to pay you, you are going to stay home and parent until I get off. After we got this small detail settled everything worked out great. And yes, still to this day my daughter prefers him to do some things instead of me. Once I let go and actually treated him as an equal parent it was such a relief ! I even had to ask him a few questions. I breast fed and with my other three I was home so we had no need for a bottle. With this daughter he had to give her my expressed milk. I had to ask HIM how to heat a bottle one time. It was a nice flip for him to be the one that knew it all.
I think its a control issue. I know I have struggled with that in my marriage and I knew I needed to make it a point to let go when we have children. We have a 2 year old and from the beginning I just had to let it go. I may not think its the ‘right way’ but its His way and I have my way. My husband watches our son every other Tuesday and I always struggled at the beginning with telling him things, I wanted him to be prepared but you are right, I had to figure it out, why shouldnt he? It makes us a much happier couple and better parents when we trust each other to take care of our son to the best of our abilities. Hes a great dad and is the leader of our household when it comes to discipline. We have our strengths and weaknesses and thats mine, Im thankful I stepped back when I knew I was weak and let him take the reins.
This whole concept is completely foreign to me. Though I do stay at home with my daughter, we are very much equal parents are there is no preference, technique or method that both of us don’t know and perform equally well. We have communicated the condition of nearly every dirty diaper since her birth, share the feeding, tending and grooming activities, and know very well that our babysitter is a 15 year old high schooler. Surely I can’t have the only exceptional man in C-U? (Maybe I should also mention that he does the laundry and the dishes too.)
When my latest little guy arived, I would say I might have picked up a little OCD in relation on how to care for him. Then I realized, if I was going to have help raising him form his dad, I could give a few pointers here and there, would sometimes have to take over, but mainly sit back and either relax or work on a different chore. My husband is a great dad and very helpful. I couldn’t have picked a better partner. We do things different, but that is why I didn’t marry myself
Sometimes he needs and wants instruction, its just all in how I lay it down for him. Great Blog
Shannan