By Emily Harrington
While my husband and I let the pregnancy gods determine my uterus’ fate, I have time between tests to obsess about our future with children. There are so many variables and choices to consider. I think about everything from baby names, nursery themes, how our psychotic dog will handle a new pack mate, and my burgeoning body.
Again, I do not have babies. I am simply in the research and experimentation phase of conception. I observe my friends, family and coworkers and base my opinions from their experiences.
Based on my research, here are two points that top my list of things to think about:
Credit: Flickr, katerha
Breastfeeding versus bottle feeding. The research and media clearly states the breast is best. You’re encouraged to breastfeed and made to feel guilty if you don’t. Moms feel sad and disappointed in themselves if they are unable to feed their babies from their own bodies.
I’m falling somewhere in the middle. It’s hard for me to imagine what has previously been a sexual body part as a tool to sustain your baby. How will I ever look at my boobs the same way again? But, it’s cheap, healthier for the baby and, according to moms who breastfeed, breastfeeding helps you get the baby weight off sooner.
Ideally I would like to use half breast milk and half bottle feeding. This way my husband can participate in the feeding process. If the baby never takes to the breast, I’ll have to be flexible and solely turn to the bottle. Knowing my personality, I’m sure I will feel like a failure and be riddled with guilt. But, knowing that my friends have gone through the same thing will help.
Stay at-home-mom versus working mom. Have you ever seen two dogs circle each other then suddenly attack? This is the way the contentious subject can explode when a jab is made about a mom’s decision to work or stay at home full-time. Do not talk about all the alleged time a stay-at-home mom has on her hands or allege a working mom is neglecting her children. It will not end well.
I’m the health insurance provider in our family. It will be hard for us to lose that. Preferably, I’d like to work part time. I marvel at the women in my office who come to work with their shoes on the right feet, hair combed and lipstick on. I truly admire them. I go about 80 miles-an-hour down Race Street with my heels in my backseat while applying lip gloss to get to work 15 minutes behind schedule. My time management will need a little work. Or maybe I won’t be able to let my OCD get the best of me as I Clorox wipe the bathroom floor each morning before I leave.
My cousin is a stay-at-home mom with four beautiful babies. Recently, I saw her at Walgreens and an image of a momma duck with ducklings popped into my head. She had a baby on her hip and three other children grabbing items off the shelves saying, “Can I have this?” at every aisle. She was so patient. She managed to have a conversation with me, tell her three children “no” and coo at the baby simultaneously. Talk about multi-tasking. It was inspirational.
How do they do it? I ask the moms in my life that question all the time. There answer: Like Nike says, you just do it. You find strength and love that you never knew you had. There are bad and sad moments. But, there are magical moments that make every struggle more than worth it.
My conclusion is this: There’s no right or wrong answer to breast versus bottle, working versus staying at home. Each mom has her own reality. Mom A thinks her way is the right way: working mom who breast feeds. Mom B can passionately defend her position: stay-at-home mom who uses formula.
They do what works best for them and their family. My husband and I will just have to figure out what works best for us when the time comes.
Emily Harrington is a 28-year-old townie on the cusp of full blown adulthood. She’s a wife still in the honeymoon stage and a mom of a borderline psychotic mini-Australian Shepherd. She has a full-time job in communications/marketing and a full-time life outside of work.
Nice post!
I would love to see comments from moms who have been successful doing half-bottle half-breastfeeding. My impression is that these moms always eventually switch to all-bottle, perhaps because when the baby needs to drink more, they aren’t nursing that much more and eventually the milk supply gets low. (And that’s fine, too.) There’s also the half-bottle-feeding where the bottle has breast milk which dad might use in the middle of the night–but yikes, that’s more dedication than I can imagine–pumping is not fun. I managed to do only breastfeeding while working part-time (and pumping at work), but I never got any of those middle-of-the-night respites possible for moms who allow dad to take care of the 2am feeding.
With my first, the hospital bottle-fed her against my wishes while I was in recovery. I threw a fit and got all worked up about it, but the reality turned out to be that I had a very easy going baby that went seamlessly from breast to bottle. I never had any problems with getting a proper latch, which is a big concern with going back and forth, and I used pumped breast milk, not formula. I was fascinated by the industrial sized pumping machine I rented from the hospital, and pumped all the time during the first few weeks to help build my supply (both internally and for the freezer). I did eventually have to switch to formula and bottle feeding exclusively, but that was for a health issue that led to my milk drying up, not because my baby ever refused the breast. All of this being said, I know other mothers that had issues with establishing breast feeding, turned to the bottle (with either pumped milk or formula) and found that their babies never looked at the breast as a delivery method for nutrition ever again. So much of it has to do with a baby’s personality.
Oh such personal questions that lead to such great debates! You can also bring up the “crying it out” method versus co-sleeping.
All I will say is do your research, discuss with your husband, come to an agreed direction for each, and, above all else, don’t listen to unsolicited comments and advice and don’t feel guilty. You and your husband are a team and everyone else should be the crowd cheering you on and not the coaches.
Also, don’t judge other mommies b/c that just prolongs the mommy guilt. Everyone does what is best for their family and that is all that matters.
Just know that you don’t have to decide one way or the other immediately and any decision can be changed. You need to find what is right for you, your baby, and your family. Don’t be afraid to say this isn’t working, let’s do something else. Best wishes.
I totally get that whole breastfeeding vs bottle thing. What I will say (not to be preachy or judgey, just speaking from my own personal experience with my own child and with my friends who have shared their stories with me), you should highly consider not doing “half bottle, half breast.” If you mean, pumping and then using a bottle, that’s great. But half formula, half breast milk really isn’t a good idea because it usually does lead to problems. I knew absolutely none of that before my baby was born, and I SURE didn’t know anything about breastfeeding before I got pregnant! Talk with a lactation consultant, who really knows what she’s talking about, and nevermind what everyone else has to say (myself included, hehe).
And yes, it’s a real shame that moms who can’t breastfeed are made to feel like failures. I think many moms use excuses like, “My baby wouldn’t latch on,” “I didn’t make enough milk,” etc, when they really just had no idea how much dedication breastfeeding really takes. And that’s absolutely fine! You do what you’ve gotta do. It does kind of irk me when people say they CAN’T, because they CAN, it’s just not always very easy and you really have to commit to learning and trying new things (like exercising… I CAN, I just don’t!) ! I would rather just hear, “You know what, I tried. And it just wasn’t something I chose to continue doing,” rather than a laundry list of reasons.
Elizabeth: Before I had my daughter, like you, I thought every woman COULD breastfeed, but some CHOOSE not to (for a variety of reasons). I found out that was not true when I had my child. I had all my breastfeeding gear, had taken workshops on breastfeeding, had friends who had all kinds of problems with breastfeeding that they worked through (infections, clogged ducts, cracked nipples, etc)–I had La Leche League friends, etc. And I was extremely committed to breastfeeding exclusively for a year or more. I KNEW ALL THE POTENTIAL PROBLEMS/DIFFICULTIES ONE COULD POSSIBLE HAVE WITH BREASTFEEDING EXCEPT FOR ONE— THAT SOME WOMEN DO NOT LACTATE. PERIOD. I made NO MILK.
When I was breastfeeding at the hospital the lactation consultant first noticed it—that while my baby was sucking and her latch was perfect–she was not making any swallowing sounds. I continued to nurse her believing my milk would come in if I tried hard enough. I was at the breastfeeding clinic at Carle every day. I had her latch checked by SIX lactation consultants– she had a perfect latch always. I called the local La Leche league, I saw my doctor. I took herbs, tried every folk medicine, anything I could. I pumped my dry breast for HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS a day in a addition to having my child nurse on them non-stop. I had read if you just keep the baby on there all the time it could stimulate production. I DID THIS FOR EIGHT WEEKS. I got NOTHING-NO MILK. My breasts never made milk. I went back to the doctor. I had my thyroid checked,etc. everything was normal. He explained that there was no real reason that they understand for this phenomenon, but it just happens to some women and he had seen in several times before. I have since learned this affects somewhere between 4 and 5% of women. And I now know 3 others who had this happen to them, including my cousin.
My problem was people not believing me that I could not breastfeed, and then feeling compelled to tell them my whole painful story. I always hated it when they would then say things like: “Her latch probably isn’t good. Did you have it checked?” or “Did You try Mother’s Milk Tea?” or “Yeah, I know breastfeeding can be hard..” Uh, no. It was not that breastfeeding was “hard” for me– I MADE NO MILK.
So some women really CAN’T breast feed.
Thanks for sharing this so everyone is aware of this unusual but possible situation. There are also moms who shouldn’t breastfeed for medical reasons (HIV being an extreme example). I think Elizabeth is saying that she’s tired of hearing people claim they had to bottle-feed, when really they could have breastfed if they had been more dedicated or had had access to the right resources, unlike you. It looks like what we should take away from this is that there are all sorts of personal situations affecting moms who formula-feed which aren’t other people’s business, not unlike wondering why a couple hasn’t had kids yet.
Love the post!
You bring up wonderful debates that each and every new and experienced mom goes through. Obviously everyone has their own opinion on what they think is ‘right’ (which you will also learn when you are pregnant)…just take their opionion as information to help you make your OWN decision.
It is sad that breastfeeding moms can sometimes look down on moms who use the bottle. But every person is different and as others have said before…you do what works for you and your family. I can’t preach that enough! If you decide to bottle feed and breast feed and find it works for you while you are working or staying at home thats wonderful! You should be congratulated on whatever works for you, baby and your husband because you are being the best parents you can be and doing what works for you not what works for someone else AND that alone deserves praise. So take opionions in stride and when baby does come along its all about trial and error