By Emily Harrington
Last year my husband and I attended 11 weddings. Eleven.
After three consecutive weekend weddings, the festivities start to blur together; the centerpieces, food, music and
small talk are remembered less than the wine headaches and exorbitant dry cleaning bills.
I began to sit in the pews and concentrate more on the guests’ wedding attire than the actual nuptials. But, last summer, my ears perked up at my sister-in-law’s wedding. Monsignor said something in the homily that has stayed with me. “The most important thing parents can do for their children is to love each other.” That resonated with me.
Credit: Flickr, L.C.Nøttaasen
I’ve seen women who get married because they want to have children, not because they want to share their lives with a partner. I got married because I wanted to spend my life with my husband, knowing children would come second. Often I see new mothers or, for that matter, experienced mothers put their children before their husband. I don’t want to lose sight of the union that started it all, the one that matters the most, the one between my husband and me.
That’s why when I hear the term “date night” I cringe a little inside. You mean to tell me I will have to schedule time to be with my husband one-on-one for a night? You know the type of night where you really look at each other and truly hear what each other is saying, not just two passersby in the hallway. I don’t want to stop hearing him, stop seeing him.
Every night is date night now; I should appreciate the freedom and ease of it. Coming home, working out and sharing a meal. It seems so simple. I take it for granted now — the intimate, casual moments where everything feels like it’s in sync.
I don’t want to become the couple that is so fixated on their children’s needs, they lose sight of each other. But, that’s in our control, isn’t it? I have the power to keep my husband as my priority, keep our love flourishing and strong, and so does he.
This year we only have three weddings to attend. As fast and furious as the onslaught of wedding bells was last year, this year is turning to baby bumps and births.
I myself have had my first negative test. (OK, truth be told, I’ve taken five. I told you I’m a control freak!) Anyway, I couldn’t help feel a little disappointed when one line emerged instead of two. Mrs. Wishy-Washy was a little disappointed. Even with my lackadaisical attitude about pregnancy and child rearing, I still felt a twinge of sadness. Maybe it wasn’t a twinge of sadness, after all? Maybe it’s the beginning tick-tock of the biological clock?
Emily Harrington is a 28-year-old townie on the cusp of full blown adulthood. She’s a wife still in the honeymoon stage and a mom of a borderline psychotic mini-Australian Shepherd. She has a full-time job in communications/marketing and a full-time life outside of work.
I’m guessing that you don’t have children yet? YES, you’re absolutely right that every day is a chance to listen to your husband and make him a priority in your life. But, when you have little ones, their needs (and they ARE needs, not wants) tend to consume BOTH of your lives. Date night is not “the one night where you actually take the time to listen to one another and truly hear what the other is saying,” date night is a chance for the two of you to relax and TRULY focus on one another without having to worry about whether or not your kid is eating soap, climbing the walls/furniture, or otherwise in need of your attention.
Yes, your husband should continue to be a top priority and you should continue to find ways to show him love and affection. Just don’t start cringing at the term “date night” until you’ve had kids for a few years and understand that date night changes meaning. It becomes an opportunity to recharge your relationship and build one another up, to praise each others strengths when they can be hard to see when you’re dealing with your everyday stresses.
Yes – as a devoted wife with 2 kids, I couldn’t agree more!
Hi CM,
You’re right, I don’t have kids yet. I’m not speaking from experience, merely observation. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I want to hear and learn from each and every perspective and appreciate your view.
It sounds to me like you cherish your date nights, and maybe I will, too.
Check out this post, maybe it will provide a bit more insight into where I’m coming from.
http://www.chambanamoms.com/2012/05/23/planting-the-seed-a-woman-struggles-with-the-idea-of-having-kids/
Nice blog post Emily, your husband sounds like one lucky guy. I agree with CM’s point that he should continue to be a top priority and you should continue to find ways to show him love and affection. Maybe bake him some delicious cookies or take him out for ice cream with all the fixins. I bet he would enjoy that immensely.
My husband and I have a sitter who comes every Thursday night. We have always cherished this night (and we call it Date Night) because it is our night together to enjoy each other- just us. It is often met with the envy from our friends who would also like to do the same. It is our night to reconnect when our busy lives with work, kids, and friends prevent us otherwise when there are just too few hours in a day. Date Night is our night. I look forward to it every Thursday. I am confident it is strengthening our marriage.
My husband and I have two boys under 3 and I am a working mom.
We do not have date night and I would cringe at the idea myself. We do, on the other hand, go out to lunch together quite often. We look at it as we are already paying for daycare so why waste more money paying for a babysitter at night? We also feel like we spend enough time away from our kids during the week so why would we want to leave them anymore? Now I will say we know we are very different than most parents but that is just how we are.
I always get so annoyed when people tell me we need to have a date night or go away just the two of us. We like to be home when our boys go to bed and, if we take a vacation, we want our boys there to experience it with us.
I honestly don’t need to get dressed up and spend money on a dinner to feel closer to my husband. I do that every night when my boys are in bed and we lay down and talk before we go to sleep.
I completely agree that my relationship with my husband should come before my children but I think we all have different ways of doing this.
Great post Emily!
I think your fear of the term ‘date night’ may come from some of the information you hear from your new mom friends and the changes you know may be right around the corner for you and your husband. The truth is that becoming a parent for the first time or even the third is lets face it, hard and chanllenging; not only for you but especially for your marriage. You will still have meaningful conversations and intimate moments, its just going to be different than what you experience now. The good thing about date night is like others have said, its an opportunity for you and your husband to get out and enjoy each others company and the conversations you have, without having to worry about your childs needs.
Maybe you aren’t fearing the idea of ‘date night’ so much as the knowledge that your relationship with your husband will change once a baby comes along. It doesn’t mean your relationship will deteroriate but that now there will be someone else who you will both love so much and it will take some of your attention off of each other, but rather than fret about that; concentrate on how your love for each other will grow and you will really cherish the complete ‘alone’ time you will have when an opportunity for a ‘date night’ comes along
My husband and I have had a standing date night (Friday) since we began dating 15+ years ago. At that time I had a teen age son. Now I am a grandma. Date night for us means that we don’t schedule anything on Friday nights and reserve it for doing something with each other. Sometimes we’ll include another couple, but not without checking with the other first. Sometimes we’ll include the grandbaby, but not without checking with the other first. Sometimes, I’ll decide to accept an invitation to do something with my sister, but not without checking with him first. So most Friday nights are just him and I. We have one other stipulation and that is that we don’t read or check the phone during date night dinner.
We initiated it because we found, with our busy lifes, we could easily let more than a week or two slip by without any out and about time with each other. Yes, we connect at home every night. We love our daily nightly rituals too. But date night is different than that. We both cherish it.
Sandra
“new moms put their kids before their husbands..” with all due respect, oh honey, just you wait…..
come back and talk to us when you have a little one and millions of years of evolution have primed your body to focus on keeping your baby alive and nurtured. then please tell us how you chose the adult over the baby….
it’s not that you lose sight of the primary relationship, it’s that you know it is solid enough for you both to focus on what you created…
There used to be a show on TLC called “Shalom in the Home” and the host Rabbi Shmuly emphasized the importance of parents loving one another in order for their children to develop healthy attitudes and relationships. And I’ve read (Matthew Kelly) that when couples divorce after many years of marriage they have been so caught up in raising their children that they lose sight of their essential purpose, which is helping one another to be the best versions of themselves.
The balance must change as children grow older but when they are little you most often need to put your crying baby first or figure out how to bond with your husband while you both take care of your babies’ needs.
For example, my baby will not stay asleep in the evening if I put her down. So my husband and I have adapted by taking turns holding her (the other gets to snack) while we watch tv in the evening and finally have adult conversation. We have become creative with intimacy and try to pull that off when she’s napping during the day and her brother is watching videos.