By Kara Downs
It finally happened. I was in the kitchen last week, and Charlie came in to find me. He said, “I want a buddy with me in the living room.” When I told him that Jack was in there with him, he replied, “I want a buddy who can talk.”
Wow. There’s no good response to that statement. I can’t tell him that he’s wrong for saying it; after all, Jack doesn’t talk. And Charlie has every right to voice his need for companionship. But wow.
Charlie, right, and his buddy, Jack. Credit: Kara Downs
After I composed myself, I sat Charlie on the counter and explained that, although I understood his meaning, his words could hurt Jack’s feelings. I talked about how special Jack was, and I reminded him of earlier discussions about how Jack communicates. After listening to my explanation, Charlie asked, “When will Jack talk?”
Charlie is a very mature kid in many ways. But at the end of the day, he is 3-and-a-half, so his needs are fairly simple. Sometimes he wants someone to talk to who can talk back to him. Sometimes he doesn’t want to wait for us to change Jack’s diaper before we go on our adventures. And sometimes he doesn’t understand that Jack will be Jack forever. He won’t walk, and he won’t communicate the way that Mommy and Daddy do.
This is a hard conversation to have with a young child, especially when I know that we will be having it again and again as he gets older and understands more. Luckily, Jack is confident enough in his awesomeness that he doesn’t seem fazed at all when Charlie asks his questions. He still looks at Charlie with a kind of awed delight; he doesn’t seem quite sure what to make of this little person who will come up and kiss his knee one moment, then throw a tantrum the next.
The relationship between these two wonderful boys will continue to develop as the years pass. Charlie will continue to develop an understanding of Jack’s unique gifts, and Jack will continue to laugh hysterically at his little brother’s antics. Soon, Charlie won’t be asking me to be his buddy any longer. That will be a sad, amazing day.
Kara Downs is an English teacher at Centennial High School. She lives in Champaign with her husband, Mike, an artist and writer, and her two sons. Jack, was born three months early. His prematurity caused bleeding in his brain, leading to cerebral palsy and hydrocephalus. Jack is a bilateral quadriplegic, unable to sit or stand unassisted. He is also nonverbal. Jack had a twin sister, Bridget, who survived for 18 days. He also has a 3-year-old brother, Charlie.
Related posts:
Thanks for sharing this. I always enjoy your entries. What struck me about this article was how you said it’s difficult to explain Jack’s abilities to a 3 year old. But do you find it more or less difficult to explain to a “blank slate” toddler or an adult? It seems to me that its a great blessing to be able to explain these things to a young child, compared to an adult or even an older sibling. Charlie will probably be a much more accepting, tolerant person!!
I agree, Elizabeth! Charlie already shows a compassion that many older kids don’t have. He often runs up to people in wheelchairs to look for stickers like the ones Jack has. And even on those days when all he wants is Mommy, he willingly stays with Daddy when Jack has to go to the doctor or ER.
Thanks for such a moving entry. how lucky those boys are to have each other! and to have such wonderful parents, too.