From There to Here: Interoffice Memo

Credit: Rennett Stowe, Flickr

To: Three-And-A-Half
From: Your Mother, CEO
RE: Performance Assessment

Dear Three-And-A-Half:

It has come to our attention that your department has been under-performing in a number of ways and we consider this state of affairs to be very serious, indeed.

Your newfound belief that you are autonomous is, for the most part, in error. While you are able to get around under your own power and even take care of your own bodily functions, you are still required to follow direction.

To assist you, we remind you that you must continue to follow company directives regarding:

Bedtime

Bathing

Eating
Use of the collective entertainment systems, including but not limited to Netflix
Crossing streets and parking lots
Consumption of treats
Getting in and out of the car
Dressing
Undressing
The wearing of undergarments and/or pants

Staying within sight of a manager at all times when interacting with the public

While we can certainly understand your desire to operate independently, the fact of the matter is that you are, indeed, still in training. While we would prefer to foster a productive environment for you and your colleague, seven, we will not hesitate to publicly reprimand you.

We do appreciate your ability to navigate some tasks without constant supervision, especially your use of the potty and getting your own snacks and beverages. This comes in handy when the CEO is taking meetings with your father or managing the facilities.

We also enjoy your willingness to climb into the car by yourself, as well as your ability to unbuckle your seat belt. However, removing your safety restraints while your supervisor is otherwise occupied with driving is frowned upon.

We are also very happy with your smooth transition to your new sleep facilities. However, we would ask that you keep your visits to headquarters limited during the night shift. If you can accomplish this, we anticipate that we can offer you some interesting incentives.

We sometimes find ourselves wishing we’d stuck with three, but we took you on and we intend to complete your training and move on to four.

In the meantime, we would also like you to remember that backtalk, defiance and sarcasm are not appreciated and will not be tolerated. Consider yourself on probation from this point forward.

Sincerely,
Your Mother
CEO

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