Credit: apdk, Flickr
By Amy L. Hatch
The tragic death by suicide last week of Ashlynn Conner, 10, hit very close to home. The Ridge Farm, Ill. fifth-grader allegedly told her mother she was being bullied at school and the family is saying that harassment from her schoolmates contributed to her death.
Ashlynn’s parents say their daughter was the victim of schoolyard taunting from a group of girls at school, and that the relentless teasing continued even after she told her teacher about it several times.
While we cannot claim to know exactly what happened between Ashlynn, those girls and her teacher, we do know that sometimes it can be easy to miss the signs of bullying, especially when it comes to the less physical bullying that can happen between girls.
But boys, too, are often the victim of bullies, as we saw when 13-year-old Asher Brown killed himself in 2010 after constantly being teased about being gay.
The scariest part of these stories is that the deaths of these children came as a surprise. That’s why parents absolutely must be alert for signs of bullying.
According to the website StopBullying.gov, the top signs to watch out for are:
- Coming home from with damaged or missing clothing or other items
- Reports losing items that are valuable (electronics, jewelry, etc.)
- Has trouble sleeping
- Coming home from school very hungry because they did not eat their lunch
- Has extreme personality changes
- Loses interest in school or has a steep drop in academic performance
- Child is quick to blame others
- Has frequent physical altercations
- Spends time with other children who are bullies
- Doesn’t accept responsibility for his or her actions
- Needs to win or be the best at everything
- Comes home from school with new possessions
And remember: Bullying doesn’t always happen on the playground. If your child is old enough to use the Internet and/or uses a mobile phone to text, monitor their usage of those items closely to avoid cyber-bullying.
Of course, every child is different and reacts differently to situations, especially social situations at school.
And all the lists in the world cannot replace simply being available for your child, listening and talking with them about their friends and letting them know they can confide in you about anything at all.
For more information about bullying, visit the StopBullying website.
A big part of the problem is bystander adults (at schools, for example) who do nothing. A teacher, a school social worker……..any adult in charge of taking care of our children at school who has ever told a kid not to ‘tattle’ when they are attempting to report bullying. I have been witness to and continue to be witness to this first-hand. Policy is something on a piece of paper. What happens in practice is often mighty different.
WRT the ‘surprise’ aspect mentioned in the article… I would encourage parents to keep a record of the complaints they make to various school personnel about the bullying of their child and to NOT assume that the school is keeping a record of your complaints. It is not uncommon with these tragic incidents for school officials to come out and say they have no record of the bullying going on–they weren’t aware of it. The parents of the bullied child often tell a very different story of repeatedly alerting school officials to the bullying issues. Never assume ‘it’s being taken care of’ even if that’s what the school is telling you. You need to follow up on your own. Ask for proof. Leave a paper trail. And, do what you can to get a bullied child therapeutic support via a psychologist, therapist, counselor (who has proven experience in the area of bullying), preferrably outside of the school setting (but, one who is going to be an advocate for your child when it comes to dealing with bullying issues at school).
I have a better idea – take the parents of the bullying child to court. As an attorney, I am usually quick to criticize the American impulse to sue over everything. But when children are vicious and cruel they have learned it someplace. When your child cannot even have respite at home because it’s also happening over the internet, via Facebook and texting, and God only know what else, when teachers and administrators do nothing, then it’s time for the courts to step in.
My children know that the day I find out they have been bullying another child will be one of the worst days of their lives. The day I find out some other child is bullying one of mine will be a damn unhappy day for another family, I can assure you. I will ask politely that it stop one time. The next time it happens, they will be served with a summons and complaint.
I have watched bullying take place in every school, every grade level. I have more teachers and even more administrators blow it off. It started a cycle of fear and defense in my child, hiding instead of going to class, and finally outburts in class due to sheer frustration and desperation. It lead to my child being placed at Circle Academy. He is special needs, but has never had behavior issues. I was told it would be therapeutic. It is worse there than any situation my child ever faced. He goes through hell on a daily basis, and due to the nature of the children at Circle, I was told its just how it is. And I don’t seem to have other options. He is learning behaviors and words that I don’t like now, in order not to be a punching bag. He hates it. And all if this could have been avoided if that first administrator would have cared enough to investigate.