Credit: takomabibelot, Flickr
by Amy L. Hatch
The minute a women gets pregnant, she instantly becomes community property.
Complete strangers feel perfectly comfortable touching your belly. They offer completely unsolicited advice. They share their utterly horrifying, terrifying birth stories – “You wouldn’t believe the size of that tear!” or “And then, I almost died!”
And they ask an awful lot of stupid questions. That doesn’t stop after you give birth, either. I know this from first-hand experience, like the time my mother’s real estate agent asked me why I chose not to breastfeed.
Um, what? I’m sorry, did you just ask me an extremely personal, totally loaded question about the way I provide my newborn child with the sustenance she requires to live?
Of course you did!
I’ve even had people ask me how I “feel about not having a real birth experience” after my c-section. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure I did actually give birth.
We heard some doozies this week when we spent some time with Kevin and Sarah at Mix 94.5. Laura’s been asked if her children belong to her because her girls have light hair and hers is dark. She’s also been asked if she’s expecting twins, when she certainly was not.
Were they planned? Oh, she’s adopted? How much did that cost? Are you the nanny? How old were you when you got pregnant?
The list goes on and on. It makes us crazy, and it reflects a deep disrespect not only for our privacy and our feelings, but for women in general. Ever hear anyone ask a dad why he decided to go back to work after the baby came? Nope, didn’t think so.
The best response to an inappropriate comment or question is a snappy response. So we’re asking you to tell us the most annoying or rude question you’ve been asked as a mother — and give us your best come-backs.
Ready, set … GO!
Our third was an unexpected blessing — a “bonus baby,” my OB/GYN said. She is also “just” 18 months younger than our second. I cannot tell you the number of people who asked me if she was planned, or if we had used birth control. I even had one person tell me I was a “baby factory” — nice guy but not so nice statement. My answer: “I can have all the plans I want, but God has bigger plans than mine.”
I have a book of stupid questions and comments.
My caregivers are stunned by this stuff people will say or ask me but I remind them that people just open their mouths and speak because they don’t understand that silence is best.
When are expecting our 4th and got the “Don’t you know what causes that?” question. My husband replies, “Yep, we finally figured it out. We are just getting started!” That’ll shut ‘em up pretty quick.
The all time WORST question to ask a mom with twins: “Which one is the good one and which one is the bad one?” REALLY?!?! Oh, and then there’s that oft-heard comment, “Double Trouble!” I’ve been lucky not to be burdened by, “Are they natural?” or “How did you get them?” but many of my friends have.
I never read completely: my retorts are “They’re both made of pure evil (or sugar and spice, depending on what kind of day it is).
To “Double trouble,” I just say, “Double blessing”
When my friend was asked, “How’d you get them, ” she said, “We had sex!” That pretty much eliminated the need for further conversation!
Luckily, they’re older now, so we attract fewer questions. Mostly now it’s stares (because they’re usually CRAZY) and hushed comments, “look, they must be twins.”
Haha, I loved your friend’s retort! It made me laugh!
Q: “When are you going to have your second child?”
A: “Well, ever since I became a lesbian and had to find a sperm donor, the process has taken longer than expected.”
This (naturally) horrified my husband, but it shut the inquisitive stranger up pretty quickly.
With my twins I always get “oh you must have your hands full!” The best response I’ve come up with on the fly is “that’s why I use a stroller”.
I was greatly relieved one day when a woman said to me “oh what a blessing!” I didn’t know how to respond to nice comments.
Apparently the guy at the DMV asks everyone “how are the twins doing?” I threw him for a loop when I couldn’t figure out how he knew. When I said “fine”, all the ladies around laughed at him. Cruel joke, but glad to get him back (years later a friend told me he asked her).
I’m an adoptive mom, and i think the best advice I have seen about answering these overly personal questions is, “Why are you asking?” This response communicates that the questioner has stepped over a line. But the response also leaves the door open. A person might be asking the question for a reason besides idle curiosity. She might be considering adoption herself.
That is a GREAT response Mary!
When I was in a complete breastfeeding nightmare with my first born, I was exhausted and riddled with guilt and embarrassment that breastfeeding was so hard for me. I was using a breastshield. (you don’t need the gory details of why, but it worked wonders!)
At our local park, when another mother saw me whip it out- the shield, not my boob!- she asked “Why in the world did they tell you to use that? If there is something between you, it isn’t really true breastfeeding?!”
Had I not been in a hormonal, sleep deprived, lactating coma, I would have responded:
“Sort of like when I beat you to death with this diaper bag, it isn’t really true murder?”
Kerry
My boyfriend’s mother called me in the hospital after the birth of her grandson. She said, “Well, I guess when you said you couldn’t have kids you were wrong, huh?”
This because my pregnancy was a (very happy) surprise. We weren’t trying and we weren’t being careful. I am slightly older than the average child-bearing age and had had surgeries in the past which limited my fertility. Things I told…my boyfriend. Why he chose to tell his mom is one good question. However, that she chose to bring it up on the night I had my beautiful son, instead of during the 8 1/2 months I was pregnant, I don’t know. I didn’t have a good retort, I simply said, “What? What? Oh, so hard to hear you in here. Thanks for calling – here’s your son!” and passed the phone.
As the mom of an only child, I often get the ‘Why aren’t you having another child?’ question. My response is ‘I grew up watching Schoolhouse Rock and they said 3 is the magic number, and she makes our family 3. Pretty magical to me!’.
I love all questions because it lets me talk about my pregnancy and family. I feel like people ask questions out of curiosity or judgement. The judgemental questions are tough but, even if they don’t agree, at least I can give them more information to base their opinion on.
The question I probably get the most is if I work full time which I think is more of a judgmental than curious question. I do and I take it as a chance to let people see my point of view on child care and how I think it benefits my child’s social skills as well as my “me time” as a mom.
Apparently I’m the only mom on the planet who doesn’t have a problem with most of the things people say about kids/babies or to parents (or soon-to-be parents). They’re just trying to make conversation. But hey, thanks for the heads-up; I’ll be sure to keep my conversation with other parents to “hmm” and “ah.”