The author won't be spending time at the annual bake sale any time soon. Credit: SYA Extreme, Flickr
by Amy L. Hatch
When you work from home (and even sometimes when you don’t) people assume you have oodles of spare time.
I mean, how hard can it be, right? No commute! Roll out of bed and hit the ground running! You don’t even need to brush your teeth for that conference call! You can get laundry done while you type up that proposal!
In fact, it’s nothing like that. Just this week I discovered that if I work inside my house, my attention span is akin to that of a kitten dumbstruck by a shiny object. There are just too many distractions to get any one thing done. I’m torn in 100 different directions — dirty dishes, client proposal, sticky floors, strategy document … blah blah blah.
My point is, there is not a spare moment to be had when you are a working parent whether you sit in a nice, tidy office with a door or you’re in a makeshift workspace in your dining room.
So when the requests for school volunteers come rolling in, the guilt bubbles up to the surface. You know, that guilt about how you can’t do it all? Even though you really want to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and be the PTA president?
I’m sure no one in my kids’ PTO is looking at me askance but it’s well-known that I don’t “work outside the home.” So when I turn down requests to attend meetings or stuff envelopes or make Play Doh, I feel like a total slacker. They’re not saying it, but I am.
I’m a PTA drop-out.
I just can’t. Even if I did have a spare hour or two, I’m gonna be honest: I’d use that hour to get a pedicure. I’m sure that sounds totally selfish but the fact of the matter is that I rarely get even 15 minutes to sit and contemplate … well, anything. I know, cry me a river, right? You have the same problem but you’re able to find the time to bring plate of homemade cookies for the Teacher Appreciation Lunch!
Here’s the thing. I love my kids and I love my kids’ school. They’ve had a great experience there and the teachers deserve praise and support. But something has to give and volunteering in the classroom is that thing.
I’m definitely uneasy about it, and I have been for a long time. My daughter began her educational journey at a cooperative nursery school and I was the only parent who paid a higher fee so I didn’t have to work in the classroom. Leaving her there when all the other mommies took turns doing crafts and leading “Wheels On The Bus” gave me that slink-out-of-the-room feeling.
Granted, I was rebuilding my career after a long hiatus. But even if I hadn’t been, I’m not sure I would have done it differently. My guilt is maybe less about the not-doing and maybe a little more about the I-don’t-want-to-do-it.
Either way, I know my kids have the support of a great school community. And I even raised my hand and said I’d help with the annual Halloween gathering this year.
I may even bring a veggie tray for Teacher Appreciation Day — but I won’t stay to eat it.
Do you volunteer at your kids’ school? Why or why not?
Amy L. Hatch is a co-founder and editor of chambanamoms.com, and her toenails are a mess. You can reach her at amy@chambanamoms.com.
I absolutely volunteer. I spend 1 hour per week in each child’s classroom, I’m the PTA co-VP, I’m the 1st grade Daisy leader (which isn’t exactly school related but it is done at school, with kids from school), I chair and co-chair various committees through out the year, I create and maintain our school directory and Yahoo group, I organize our yearbook, I’m the room parent coordinator for both classes, I volunteer at as as many parties as I’m able to make as well as other things that I’m sure I’ve forgotten about because I’m not doing them right now.
I’m fortunate to have a job that allows me the flexibility to be in the school that often and that regularly. But even if I didn’t, school and my part in their education is one of my priorities and I would make time to be present, even to the detriment of other things.
I agree with you 100 percent, Amy. There comes a point where you just cannot put one more thing on the heaping plate of life. I think biting off more than you can chew can do the opposite of what you intend it to do, can make you a less focused parent instead of a better one. Kudos to people who can get it done, but we are just not those people. I find that my husband and I put the time in at our kids’ schools where and when we can, give praise for the people who can give more, and try to squelch the guilt from there.
Yes. Yes. Yes. This. In my community I am surrounded by very few parents who get the whole work from home/telecommute thing. So when someone asks what I do and I tell them I first get “How awesome it must be to work in your pajamas” well yes it is, but it also means that there are a thousand distractions. I know Moms work work in demanding corporate jobs that volunteer more than I do. Yes, the guilt every time I say no or that I can’t is compounded by the sideways glances the teacher might give me or that the four other parents give me doesn’t help.
I also know that for me I personally don’t enjoy volunteering. Yes, I’ll say it….I rarely like other people children and to compound matters I am an introvert by nature so being setting that is out of my comfort zone takes effort for me. (ready for the backlash on this one)
That being said I do volunteer, but only occasionally. I won’t be the parent that spends an hour a week at my child’s school, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care about their education nor want them to succeed. I have a relationship with my child’s teacher and I’ll offer to do some foot work in the background and I constantly work with my child at home to ensure I have a grasp on what is going on with their education.
I think it’s time we stop feeling guilty.
Laura, you hit the nail on the head for me!
Both of you hit the nail on the head! I’m also a work from home mom. Sometimes it is easier then heading into the office, often it is not. You have that feeling that you should be helping out more because you don’t have a “boss” telling you that you have to sit at your desk, but I still have work to do and deadlines to meet. What I don’t get done during the day, I’m forced to do at night or on the weekend and I would much rather be spending that quality time with my family.
I do volunteer for the occasional holiday party, but I do prefer the behind the scenes work that often goes unnoticed. I also sign my husband up to volunteer for as many things as he is able because I find it equally as important for him to be involved at their school as it is me.
I volunteer often. Because if I’m volunteering, I’m not vacuuming.
Notably, when I was attending school through the entire decade of the ’80s, parents were neither asked to, nor encouraged to volunteer in the classrooms. The class mom was responsible solely for sending in a stash of napkins for homemade birthday treats. Regardless of their physical presence, or lack thereof, in my school building, I had a firm sense that my parents were invested in my education.
Amy – you rock!
I cannot be everything to everyone – I know there are others who will pick up my slack and run circles round my un-toned tush.
I love my kids – they love me… they are bright, well adjusted little minions and we will succeed despite the evil sideways glances from those who judge us.
While I do see some dads volunteering & my husband volunteers, why is this STILL mostly the mom’s realm of guilt?
I feel that there should be more separation for children between the “home” world and the “kid” world.”Kidworld” includes the school and I feel nowadays that many children lack the skills they need to make their own decisions and choices–simply because the parents are always hovering in the background in “Kidworld”.
Mary this is an excellent point & one I could agree with you on.
Mary I completely agree with this point. Some parents pride themselves on their utter and complete immersion in every aspect of their kids lives, to which I want to say, cut the cord already. Do our kids need us to be involved and invested in their education? Of course. However, that doesn’t mean being on every board at school and involved in every aspect of their school lives. They need to be read to at home, they need us to communicate with their teachers and ensure they are on top of learning and meeting appropriate developmental milestones. They also need to learn how to be at a school event without mommy and daddy and make friends, respectfully interact with “stranger” adults and conduct themselves politely and appropriately. To me, too much hovering stymies the autonomy and independence that is so crucial for their growth.
I do volunteer some, but I feel conflicted providing for free what the school could be paying someone to do. When I was in elementary school each classroom had a professional teachers aid up through 3rd grade. The only aids in my son’s school are there for special needs kids, not the classroom as a whole. My mom was a teachers aid before going back to school for a second bachelors. When I volunteer I do the work a teachers aid would do and it makes me feel like the school is taking advantage of parents to do the work a professional should be doing. I don’t volunteer for other government organizations.
Unfortunately, the schools CAN’T pay an aid to do these things. With budget cuts, they are lucky to have enough teachers for all the kids (Unit 4 K classes are averaging 25 kids per class with one aid for the whole grade right now), let alone paying someone else. So if the parents aren’t helping out, then the teacher is doing all those extra jobs, plus all the regular after hours stuff teachers have to do. I don’t volunteer for other government organizations, but other organizations aren’t directly responsible for my child a good portion of the day, either.
I was going to reply the same thing! I was a teacher before I became a stay at home mom, so I’m happy to use my skills volunteering in the classroom.
I am passionate about our school district and spend copious amounts of time working toward reform in areas needed and I attend the school board meetings as often as I can. There are many ways to be involved that don’t require direct classroom visits.
I just put in my application to Unit 4 for the Equity committee because I feel I can help in that area as well.
Buying treats for the Centennial open house ~ emails to the teachers letting them know I am there and proud of their work and efforts toward my child.
When my son was at St Matthew I ran the hot lunch program for the entire school & while it was a huge job in the beginning of the year once things got into a groove it became quiet and easier after September. It was a good way to work mostly on my own but have a big impact. My son also loved seeing me at his lunch period (can’t say that today)
Many ways to be involved that don’t require napkins/field trips/group hugs
When we met with the teacher in my son’s kindergarten class, she handed us the PTA flier. I looked at it and then pushed it toward my husband. If one of us can do the PTA, it’s going to be him. I can’t get enough energy to go anywhere at 7 p.m. And most weeks, since my husband travels, it means finding a baby sitter… to do bedtime, which is often the highest quality time I get with my child each day.
I did, however, manage to find 1 hour on Monday afternoon to volunteer at the elementary school library. It’s at the end of the school day, and I’ll be shelving books while my son’s class is checking their books out. I miss being in pre-school where I had to go in at pick up and I got to learn each of his friend’s names. I figure when I’m shelving I’ll at least be able to eavesdrop (and observe my kid’s behavior).
I was the stay at home mom for many years, and now a working mom outside the home. As a stay at home mom, I was immersed in the school PTA. At the time, I found it frustrating that it was always the same 6 to 7 people that volunteered to help. The majority of the Parents want the classes to have the holiday parties, they want the school to have that carnival, or that book fair. But few will take 5 minutes out of their week to help. The good thing about schools is that each year a new group of parents come in with those kindergartners. When the ones that have been there awhile wise up and say NO MORE, you got your replacements. My personal tip, if you can not find the time to volunteer and help, never, ever complain about what is or isn’t getting done.
Now my children are older, Jr, High and High School. I’ve been on the other side, I know how it feels. I don’t volunteer on any regular basis anymore. But I always try to do 1 or 2 things each each. During Jr. High, I have volunteered to chaperon a dance once a year, only once though. I don’t go to meetings, I don’t organize anything. I sign-up serve my time, and go home. It only takes me 1 hour, once a year.
As my children have gotten older and I have returned to work. I have done other volunteering not related to school. I have found things that I enjoy and am now active within those areas of my community. I feel that to really be part of your community, and not just a citizen, you have to be active in the community. My personal tip here, think about all things in community that are done by a charitable group. If there are not volunteers, it doesn’t happen.
I am a stay at home Mom. I volunteer for a few things out of guilt, but I finally admitted to myself that I am no more a volunteer in my kids’ schools than I was in my own. I did not plan school dances or serve on any committees; I loathed pep rallies and skipped games. Instead I edited the yearbook and wrote for the paper and worked in the school library. I’m neither a slacker nor an introvert, but I’m not a joiner either.
I have a theory that many PTA volunteers bring a lot of experience to those carnivals and sock hops, because they were the ones who participated in similar things when they were in high school. Some people enjoy these things; some don’t. People rarely do things they dislike for free, so there’s no mystery why the same people volunteer for everything.
Kudos to the PTA for the money they raise.
What a honest look at a painful mommy conflict. When my boys started pre-k a their fantastic school I envisioned myself as a weekly volunteer in all types of creative ways. But…I didn’t like it at all. Eventually I found many myself blaming my work and volunteer schedule for not volunteering during class time. So instead, out of guilt, I drove and chaperoned every single field trip.
This year, our 3rd year at our school, I have finally found a balance that works for me and my boys.
I take on special projects (bake sale for Eastern Illinois Food Fight, Fundraiser for the Art Show, service projects). I wil do one or two a semester and I am out. I think I have learned that I am a better volunteer if it is in an area I am passionate about and good at. In addition, this week I let my children (pre-k and K) go on their first field trips without me as a driver. They actually asked me to let them go with friends for the wow factor of driving in someone else’s car. So now I will chaperone on every other field trip (or fewer).
We put so much pressure on ourselves to live up to our image of the perfect “mommy”. I think with every year I get under my belt as a mom I find that I accept myself for the mom I actually am instead of the mom I thought I would be. I figure by the time my kids are in college I should feel totally comfortable about what type of mom I am!
Love this, Sam. I, too, do things like chaperone field trips. I think “volunteering” has a lot of different faces, as Momologist points out above.