By Michelle Rice
Excuse the tears as they drip onto my page. . . Yes, that’s right, I had to go back to work after my glorious maternity leave. I honestly don’t know where the time went. I feel like I just had the baby. I was lucky and was able to stay home for 14.5 weeks with my beautiful baby and toddler. I know I had it better than many working moms do. But that doesn’t make me stop wishing for more time to spend at home with my little darlings. We had just started to get in the swing of things and woosh . . . we’re now on a strict schedule, racing through the day.
I know life after baby is challenging no matter if you decide to stay at home or go back to work. For my family, it’s probably best that I’m working, even though I long to be at home with my kids. When I’m at work, they get to do amazing things at school: paint with their bodies (which I would never think of doing at home – or let’s face it, would never want to clean it up), visit the local fire station, learn different languages, play with flubber (no idea what that was pre-daycare), make friends, and become more independent. The teachers do a fantastic job at exposing my kids to a variety of educational and social experiences and I’m grateful for that. In fact, I’ve learned many tips that help make me a better mom – thanks to the excellent teachers and the other parents.
Photo by Pink Sherbert Photography on Flickr
Even though I feel that way, I still want more exclusive time with my baby. I am happy for the length I was at home as I know I was able to stay off work longer than many people. But I still think it was too soon. Our society thrusts mothers back into the working world painfully quick. In college, my thesis compared industrialized nations and the disparity of maternity leaves. Can you guess where America ended up? Yep, right near the bottom. It’s common in the Scandinavian countries for women to take years off work and then resume their careers because their jobs, or similar jobs, are available when they want to return. They don’t have to prove their professional worth, prove that their minds haven’t turned to mush, after being out of the game for an extended period of time.
I don’t know if I would stay home for years in that system, but I know I would take a longer leave than what is allowed here. My baby is still so small, so new. We’re still bonding and getting to know one aother. A couple hours a day just isn’t enough. In fact, it’s painful having to part from her after carrying her in my body for 41 weeks and then being with her almost every minute for three and a half months after birth. It’s a complete shock to a mother’s system. I’ve already lost out on seeing her roll over for the first time. She was at school two days and started rolling. Instead of watching it with my own eyes, covering her with kisses, and shedding a tear because she’s growing up so quickly, I was told by her teacher that she rolled from back to belly that afternoon. I know I’m not going to be there for many firsts, but it’s disappointing when I miss the early ones.
That said, I count my blessings every day that I had the time off I did. I know many women do not have that luxury – though I think everyone should. Thankfully, going back to work has been as smooth a transition as it could be. I only work two blocks from my girls’ daycare, which allows me the pleasure to nurse my baby during my lunch hour. That has saved my sanity. If I don’t get to spend much time with her in the morning, I know that I can cuddle and kiss her in a few hours. As an added bonus, I can peek in on my oldest daughter and watch how much fun she is having in her class.
We are all somehow getting through this transition with conflicting emotions. All I can do is cherish the time I do have with the girls, and try to enjoy the time I spend at work. But I’ll still keep wishing and working for a change in policy.
Michelle Rice recently had her second child, making her the proud mother of two girls. Once obsessed with politics (she was a fundraiser in Washington, D.C.), she now obsesses over diapers and Dora. She is a communications specialist for the University of Illinois, and enjoys living in C-U because of its proximity to family and its benefits as a diverse college town.
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I had to work part-time (1.5 days) for the first year after my daughter was born and I told my friend who was watching her that I would prefer to believe I was the first one to see her firsts, such as rolling over, so she was instructed not to tell me any of those things until she had heard from me that I had seen her do it at home. Now that I am home full-time and watch a couple children in my home, I tell my parents that I will not tell them something their child has done until I hear it from them first. It’s hard enough for them having to be away from their kids all day, so why make it harder?
*sigh*
I know I am not “supposed” to say this, but I think those things that so many of us feel, we feel for a reason. We want to be with our babies, because we need our babies, and our babies need us. I hear it in this beautifully written essay, and I have heard it in so many friends’ conversations: excuses, justifications, denials. I say that NOT as a criticism, but as an observation: many of us feel that we SHOULD be with our babies; we feel ripped apart to be away from them, we cry, we agonize, we suffer. But instead of listening to those powerful internal (and external!) messages, we tell ourselves that it’s “OK” or “better” that we aren’t with our babies. I think this is completely counterintuitive to other advances we as women have made, whereby we take control of our lives, trust our instincts and our gut feelings, be more in tune with ourselves, and have a healthier and more holistic approach.
That said, I cannot say that the answer is more paid leave. I don’t see how any employer can function – economically or practically – paying an employee to be gone for a year, a year and a half, or two years, as people claim happens in Europe. You’re not only paying that person to be gone, you also have to pay a replacement to do her job. Who can afford this? Nor, in these days of skyrocketing deficits, can we realistically ask the government (i.e., taxpayers) to pay for it.
It is an obnoxious reality, perhaps, but it is a reality nevertheless: parenting is a full-time job. If we aren’t there, then someone else is doing it. And I think a lot of us, at levels we are not comfortable admitting, because it runs counter to cultural expectations, are really very unhappy about other people parenting our babies.
Totally relate. It really helps to have your child/ren at a stellar school with loving caregivers. And being able to spend that extra 30-60 minutes with the baby, either nursing or playing, is SO worth it. I did that for both my little ones and relished the one-on-one time. Sometimes it seems it becomes more of a challenge the older the children get, when at age two or so they become more aware of mom’s comings and goings and start to experience some separation anxiety.
I respect all of your viewpoints as I know you’re all mothers experiencing the same issues. Thank you for sharing.
I actually am glad my daughter rolled over and I was told about it. There is no guarantee I would have seen it at home either. She might have been playing on the floor and I turned around and she rolled. In fact, I’ve only watched her do it a couple of times since.
I should clarify – the long maternity leaves in Scandinavia are not paid time off, the position or a similar position, is held for them for when they decide to return to work. And I realize in such a capitalistic society, it would be difficult to do something similar. Though it does work in other societies (which is a much larger issue) and I still think it should be done here.
And though I believe all mothers deserve more time off than what is considered adequate here, I also know many do enjoy working, including myself. I am a better mom when I have adult time and intellectual stimulation other than teaching my children. I value both aspects – motherhood and working. My girls attend a fabulous daycare and we all learn so much from it so I’m happy with that.
And the one-on-one time with my baby is amazing. That makes my day. For the older one, I just peek in and watch her, without her knowing. That’s nearly as good, as it’s a vantage point I don’t often get. It makes me proud to see how she behaves when she thinks I’m not watching.
My point is that the balance is very difficult. I made my choice to have children and go back to work and I’m fine with that decision. However, I still really wanted more time at home with my kids, especially my newborn. It’s just one of the endless issues of motherhood.