Please welcome our newest columnist — we’re calling her The Wannabe Mom, because that’s exactly what she is. She’s been trying to conceive for more than a year and was recently diagnosed with unexplained infertility.
She and her husband live and work in Champaign, and they desperately want to drive a Toyota Sienna minivan someday. We’ll be following her journey, so buckle up and get ready to cry with her — and cheer her on, too.
By The Wannabe Mom
We had big plans for Easter Sunday. We were going to announce our pregnancy to our family and friends at our annual Easter gathering.
I planned to bring two bright-yellow plastic eggs with our sonogram pictures folded into each of them. I was going to give one to each of our moms. And, then I would watch with tears in my eyes as they cracked the eggs and squealed with delight at the thought of their first grand-baby being born only months from now. Instead, I brought mashed potatoes for our moms and everybody else.
And, a bottle of wine for myself.
I had the same big plans for Christmas. Sonogram pictures in their stockings. On Christmas morning, they each opened Snuggies. And, pretended to love them.
Halloween. My plan was to go wearing this ridiculous cardboard oven with a bun in it. I was going to force my hubby to wear a baker’s hat and apron. I couldn’t wait to see the look on our friends’ faces as we shouted those three big words, “WE ARE PREGNANT!” We went as Popeye and Olive-Oyl instead.
My Olive Oyl bun-wig made my head itch all night.
You catch my drift. None of these fabulous pregnancy-announcement-plans ever came to fruition. For months…every 25, 26, 27, 28 days…I start my period. I cry (sob). I spit and curse (like I’m possessed). And, then I re-energize and reboot (like a super-trooper) for the next cycle. It’s something I’m learning lots of women do, but just don’t talk much about.
Are you living your life in two-week increments? Are you crying all the way home from a friend’s baby shower? Or are you tearing up every time someone Tweets or Facebooks, “We’re expecting!”? I am, and it’s like taking a bullet every time.
Growing up in a strict Catholic household, I always thought if I had unprotected sex I’d be pregnant immediately (and struck by lightening, too). Turns out, I can have unprotected sex out every which way and…nada…zip…doesn’t work for me.
For 15 months, every other day or every day, in every position. With Pre-Seed or not. With Instead cups, and don’t even get me started on that mess. With orgasm or not. Praying — begging — to my Higher Power or hating Him
The charting, the temping, reading every fertility book and online message board. Peeing on hundreds of dollars of home pregnancy sticks. Can a girl get a home-pregnancy test tax credit?
And still — nothing.
So, we’re getting help. We’re seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. We’re doing test after test after test. And, now, I’m taking drug after drug after drug. Trying with all my might for two weeks and then holding my breath (and my Prometrium suppositories high and tight) for the next two weeks. Over and over and over again.
This Easter Sunday we went to the hospital bright and early for our Cycle Day 3 Sonogram. The good new: I don’t have any cysts and we have a good lead follicle. The bad news: no grandma-to-be wants to see a sonogram picture of just a follicle folded up into a yellow plastic Easter egg.
On our way home, I had one great Easter egg filled with white and yellow crème. As I ate that tasty chocolate egg, I swallowed my tears right along with it — and chased it down with 2.5 mg of Femara.
So, we wait. And, maybe — just maybe — I’ll have big plans for Mother’s Day.
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Oh, this is going to be a great addition! Fingers crossed for you, wannabe.
All the best to you Wannabe Mom. I’ve been in your shoes, and it’s so very painful. The years we spent trying to conceive turned me into an absolutely horrible person. Every period and every pregnancy announcement left me sobbing.
Keep your chin up, and know that you are not alone.
And my given name betrays the years and years I spent trying to having my children. It’s a painful, frustrating, lonely, tear-filled experience. In the end hopefully you will have your very own bundle of joy to share with your family. Then you will understand and express the empathy you have learned along this road to those who come behind you. I still offer to give shots in my kitchen
We’d initially planned similar scenarios on Thanksgiving, July 4th, Christmas, Daylight Savings Time, Bastille Day, All Saints Day, the 40th Sunday of the year . . . . . maybe not exactly, but I understand the hope and excitement of sharing the amazing news is so something to look forward to.
After two and a half years, 11 months of basal temperature checks, one surgery in which cysts and part of my ovaries were taken out, and two IVF cycles – we finally cried along with our mothers at our good Easter news this year.
Sending such good wishes your way!
What an awesome piece! I don’t know what to say that won’t sound trite or maybe even downright insulting (what IS the right thing to say?) as this is, I’m sure, a pain like no other. All I can (maybe) add is that I would bet that your Higher Power is rooting right along with you for this to happen…
Can’t wait to read the next installment!
Been there with you…always wished I had someone to talk with about it. Sounds like this column will be a great forum for you! For your sake, I hope the column doesn’t last too long
i can so relate to what you are talking about. although i do have a 3 year old son, it was a long bumpy road to get him and i’ve been trying to have another for 16 months now. i’ve had 4 miscarriages and i totally understand the 2-week increment thing. i too am seeing an RE and i know the drug/sono cycle well. the prometrium, femara, injections etc… just know that there is a fellow unexplained IF patient in the reproductive medicine waiting room. i feel like i live there! i will be following your column closely. i hope you get your wish soon.
also, there is a RESOLVE infertility group meeting this tueaday april 13th at the champaign lib (room 215). the group is just starting up but i thought i’d throw the info out there in case anyone would like to attend.
Your voice is one that needs to be heard for those women suffering from infertility and for their friends who are not. This beautifully written post brought back so many memories for me. We too had the big holiday announcements planned out for more than 3.5 years. Along the way we also suffered a 13 week miscarriage and an early miscarriage. Eventually, all of the stars aligned and we were mysteriously granted two babies in 16 months! So, tell it sister and know that you are speaking for so many women who suffer in silence.
Hang in there, wannabe! I can only imagine the journey you are going through. Just know that I have had so many doula clients who have traveled the same rocky path, and now have a baby in their arms. I send positive karma your way … you are a warrior!
I love this column and I cant’ wait to keep reading it! I have a 3 year old son who I completely adore but have never felt my family was complete. Two years ago we began trying for our second. After one year of trying I was put on meds and after 3 months I found myself pregnant! We were thrilled until one day I began to bleed. I ended up having a miscarriage at 10 and half weeks. I felt my world had been ripped apart, something that I had wanted for so long was taken away from me in a second. We are still trying and have had no luck. I worked with lots of very fertile woamen who seem to be annoucing every other week that they are pregnant. So I know where you are coming from! I will be pulling for you throughout your journey!
I have so much respect for you and am currently going through a similar experience. My husband and I haven’t been exactly going on full force in trying for our first child (he works in Chicago and comes home to Champaign during the weekends) but we’ve officially begun trying last May. Distance as well as highly irregular, unpredictable cycles, alas we are still not pregnant. I’ve started BBT and my doctor is starting me on progesterone testing on my next cycle. Why is it so difficult for some people who really, really want children, but not for others who may not want/are ready for children?
I really look forward to learning more about your journey. In the meantime, hang in there, and you have my full support!
Wannabe,
Best wishes to you! My husband and I plan to start trying later this year, and we don’t know what the universe will hold… but we shall see! I have already begun the pre-natals and working with a Natural Health Doctor and Endocrinologist, because I have thyroid issues and want to get them as under control as possible before we get pregnant. So, I have done a lot of research. Have you read anything about gluten free diets? I am a big proponent of a gluten free diet for health reasons and have read that women who go gluten free have an eaiser time getting pregnant! Just something to consider!